why why why?

WHY is the act of communication so damned HARD? Why must it always result in some sort of emotional meltdown before things get out in the open? Hmmm?

So there I was… I’d suggested that maybe we could get some alone time together last night. I’d sent the kids off to bed, had showered and then lay in bed, waiting for him to finish his shower.

By the time he was finished, I was already exhausted. I’d said 9 – he finishes at 10:15.

Then, when he does get into bed, it’s one of these one-hand jobs where he doesn’t move anything but his hand, and it’s more like the palm of his hand, like maybe he’s bored, just wants to get this over with.

So, instead of opening my mouth and asking what’s going on, what’s wrong, etc. I just lay there. Now, whatever’s going on with me physiologically, I don’t know, but this just doesn’t do ANYTHING for me. Nowhere NEAR anything. Ok, so he’s bored… or maybe it’s cuz I’m not doing anything in return, so I do. I rub and tease and stroke and soon enough, he’s ready. I sure as hell am not, but it’s not like he’s noticed. So I turn over so he can just pop it in and get it over with, and that’s how it goes for a little while, with me just lying there, trying to remember to make some noise and playing the same thing over and over again in my head … “what happened to his enthusiasm? what happened to his enthusiasm?”

Last summer, it was all I could do to keep him from touching me 24/7. He was morethananything, smothering me! Now, I get the palm of his hand and a grunt. So I’m laying there, waiting … la de dah … the same words playing over and over again in my head.

Finally, apparently he notices. Reaches for the toy that, more often than not, usually helps me find some semblence of excitement. I comply just because I’m tired, want this over with. It doesn’t particularly lwork, so he goes back to just doing what he’s doing, only now we’re face to face. Why does this make it worse? Why do I really feel like now, he’s just going through the motions. His kisses just annoy me, his whiskers stabbing my lip. God, will this EVER be over… and I know he’s purposely slowing, stopping, resuming, to make it last… umm, hellO? See, this just proves my internal point, he’s disconnected, he isn’t really *WITH* me at all. So the tears are just at the verge of pouring out and he’s finished, and there they go. I can imagine there’s few things worse or more annoying than to have your partner cry when you climax. But all I can do is apologize and try to make them stop, knowing that 1) I’m pms’ing, 2) I’m ALWAYS highly emotional when I get close, but don’t get over that last hill. I know that my emotions are making it all seem so raw.

So I explain what’s wrong, why I’m upset. What made it all that much worse is that after the toy, he DID start using his hands in the “right way”, not to say in an erotic way, but in a way that makes you know he’s maybe enjoying himself & my body more… I don’t know, it’s so hard to explain. But he was connected. For a brief time.

Earlier in the night, I’d even said.. I’d like some time alone with you when we don’t have to rush through it.

But I wind up feeling like I”m not worth the effort it would take to get up OFF the bed and use your hands, mouth, ya know… the rest of your body to possibly break through the haze that I’ve been experiencing for so long.

So he says he’ll try to stop working earlier in the night, and even offers to stop THINKING about work after a certain time of night, and to devote that time to me/us. We’ll see. But why does it all have to be so difficult?

I hate that my body has turned against me. I hate that our work/money/job situation is never in a positive trend. I hate that all that attention he lavished on me last year is *gone*, and nothing I’ve said seems to help bring it back. Grrrrr.

so anyways

I’m not surprised that no one had any comments about the asswipe situation. Yall have pretty much clammed up on everything.

So I’ll just move on and share some links for the sites we saw, did, visted, etc.

• Nascar Speed Park
• Gatlinburg, TN
• Atomic Speedway
• American Museum of Science & Energy
• Oak Ridge, TN

My brother gave me Chicken Soup for the Mother & Daughter’s Soul for my birthday and I’m working on that now. My wonderful friend Wanda sent me a little something to remind me of home. LOL It was Spicy Hot Chocolate and it’s really interesting!

yet another new drama (not so new though)

I wasn’t going to post this – I typed it just to get it out, while we were driving… but decided maybe I needed some one else’s perspective as well.  So here it is.  As is usual with my posts, it’s long – so grab something to drink and lemme know what you think.

LC

PS: I’m not spellchecking so forgive the typos

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Well, I guess I’ve lost a member of the Calliah Fan Club.  Darn, andI thought EVERYONE loved me.

Ok, not everyone. Not even close. Let’s just say…. I won’t be bitching about going to TN anytime soon…. Apparently, I am the antichrist(ette?).  When we visit, it’s HELL and it’s (drumroll please, wanda) BECAUSE OF ME!  At least I’m good for something.

Well shit, I know I’m good for a fe w things, but to be told, literally, To My Face (and to those of my children and hubby) that I was not to step FOOT on his FUCKING property EVER AGAIN was  abit like saying “get out damned yankee”.  no, huh?  Well, chickenshit launched that on me/us as we were literally driving out of the driveway.  But not before laying a bunch of shit on my son’s feet too, saying that he’d said he didn’t like him when we were here last year, and that I allowed it.

First of all, dipshit – we weren’t HERE last year.  TWO years ago, we were here and my son spent 7-9 days sicker than he’s ever been in his life.  And during that time, his grandfather did nothing to make him feel better or at home or any fucking thing.  Just continued to make fun of him, tease him, call him names (yes we’re yankees, get the fuck over it, goddammit).  I honestly do not think my son ever said he didn’t like him, because if I’d heard him, I’d have bitched him out for it. He does NOT talk to elders like that, even if they DO deserve it.  And to play devil’s advocate, even if he DID say it… GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!! IT WAS 2 YEARS AGO.

I’m blamed for making my son hate him.  So that’s why I kept telling my son to go hang out with him, talk with him, etc.  Yeah, I’m a bitch.

Of course, watching *him* ignore MY kids … well, that just makes me more of a bitch, don’t it?  Yesterday morning, I was in the kitchen with my baby girl… now, for those of you at home who’ve never spoken to my baby girl, she’s got this tiny little voice… sounds like a little cartoon character … absolutely freakin adorable.  So *he* walks into th ekitchen and I whisper to my baby girl “say good morning grandpa” and she does… “good morning grandpa”.  No response.  Ok, maybe he didn’t hear her cuz he was making some noise.  I wait till he’s done and ask her to say it again…. “Good morning grandpa”.  I know he’s heard her.  NOTHING.  How the fuck can you ignore this tiny little voice?  This baby girl who is being NICE? 

fucker.

Even this morning, as we were leaving … I told my son to go over, shake his hand and tell him thank you. He did.  His response was “even though you don’t like me, I’ll shake your hand”.  Gee, that’s big of you.

To try to put into words how much this man irritates me is just impossible.  All he does is walk around and criticize everything and everyone.  And we take it because we don’t have a choice.  But for this person to do what he did this morning….. Inexcusable.  Involving my kids in this bullshit, making my son cry and believe it was all HIS FAULT… Inexcusable and unforgivable.  Call me any fucking thing you want. Blame me for the war, the draught and the tornadoes. LEAVE MY KIDS A-FUCKING-LONE.

So, hubby & the kids are welcome but I’m not. I’ve lead him around by his nose from day one.  He’s not man enough to put his foot down (hubby).  etc etc etc.

Look, dipshit – if I DID lead him around by his nose, do you REALLY think we’d be HERE?  Fuck no.  Not in a million fucking years would I subject myself and my kids to living like this for 2 fucking weeks. No No No.  I subject me/us to this because I love my hubby and I know he misses his family.  These visits never get us off for less than a grand.  I just needed to spew this because I’ve been sitting in this car the entire day thinking about it and needed to get it out.

changes

tomorrow is my 39th birthday. It’s kind of weird to type it, let alone think it.

I guess that like alot of others, I always thought that by the time I hit 39, things would be SET in my life. I thought at least ONE of us would have a good job, we’d have a house (that we could afford), and that in general, we’d appear to be adults.

It makes me nuts to think about this sometimes, because I feel like I’m just playing at being a grown up. I’m NOT ungrateful to have the things I have, but I wish I (we) could have made better choices, I guess. Hard to put into words, I suppose.

A few days ago, while writing my posting about visiting the bio-whatever, I read through some of my posts from last summer, pre-CHANGE. It’s amazing to read how miserable I was. How poorly my outlook was. I want hubby to read them and will ask him to do so when we get home, just so he can see what a huge change there is in me. Even though I’ve been bitching on here about being *here*, our lives are SO different now.

Yesterday, I spent about 5 hours by myself, ALONE, out in the world. LOL I went to an event in Knoxville called the Women Today Expo and had a great time. It wasn’t so much the event as the fact that I got up, got dressed, left the house before just about anyone was up, drove to a part of the state I hadn’t been to in a very long time, parked, and then enjoyed the Expo – by MYSELF. I seem to lose MYSELF sometimes, and I don’t think that hubby really GETS it when I say I need some time to myself, but it just proved yesterday that I really do. The place was crowded, but orderly. It included a Food Expo, which was loads of fun and I got to try all sorts of neat things, sometimes things I wouldn’t have tried (catfish… who knew?). But it was just time to myself, without worrying “where’s the baby? what’s she into? no, put that down. Is hubby getting bored, pissed, annoyed at all the people”. It was ME time. I came back from it with some new knowledge.

1) I REALLY wish we had a Food City in the north.

2) There’s a new soda (Dr. Peper with berries & cream or something like that) that I might actually like.

3) My right hip is 1-2 inches higher than my left hip.

SO, then I got home and was able to finally connect with an old friend whom I’d met online about the same time that I’d met hubby online, 11 years ago. He & I were never interested in each other in “that” way, but he called me ‘mom’ and I tried to keep him out of trouble (he’s turning 35 next month LOL) It was so nice to finally see him again, because I don’t think I’ve seen him in about 7 or 8 years. He looked great and seems happy, so I’m glad.

It doesn’t look like I’ll get to meet one of my blogging friends, but that’s ok – maybe next time.

I am still planning on meeting angel, and hoping that the weather holds out. Hubby says there’s snow forecasted for Tuesday ( So we may or may not be leaving on Monday, but that’s ok too. Things have calmed down here, as they ALWAYS do, during the last week. His parents finally start to realize that nagging my kids is just that – NAGGING – not goodnatured teasing. My kids realize that it’s almost time to go home and they can just ‘ignore’ the nagging.

Although it IS funny to hear my 9 yr old bitching because his grandmother is telling his sister to do something and him say “but MOM… she’s NOT her parent!”

Never stops HIM from doing it! LOL

So here I sit, 18 hrs before “the Big one”- veritigo like crazy (I’m thinking it has something to do with some major pain in my neck right now (no.. I mean that literally), but it looks like I’ve got my laptop up about 7 inches and I’m typing UP.

I’m so screwed LOL

Can’t go back to lay down because my daughter has commandeered my bed. So you got me here instead

Ok, I’m better :)

Not long after I posted my rant yesterday, hubby announced that we’re leaving on monday – WOOHOO! Yeehaw! and all that stuff

That made my day, I’ll tell ya.

Then today, the weather finally turned out to be something worth celebrating, with a beautiful spring day in the 70’s, breezy, and just perfect. We went ice skating!

LOL

Yeah, we drive 1200 miles to go ice skating. We’re weird.

But it was fun. Of the 4 of us, I was the only one who’d ever been on ice skates, and THAT was 15 years ago LOL But we all escaped without injury (unlike the asian man who fell and busted his head open while we watched :S ) and had a really good day.

And I plan on gettin some tonight

I’m here…

but I REALLY can’t see how people can live with dialup internet access. O M G

Especially if they have a blog- this thing is HORRIBLE to try to log into and post. Geeez.

I can’t wait to go home.

For SO MANY reasons.

I don’t think hubby truly realizes how long 17 days IS away from *MY* home. Dammit.

I hate being away this long. I hate having to wash clothes every 3 days, but not actually being ALLOWED to wash clothes, and having someone else do them. Yeah I know… what am I saying. But it’s true – I’d much much MUCH rather do my own damned stuff. Especially if it means no commentary.

Oh, and apparently, when we were here 2 years ago and my son got so sick that I had to take him to the ER, and we were essentially housebound for 5 or 6 days – he hurt his 58 yr old grandfather’s FEELINGS… so now he hardly talks to him at all.

And when he does, it’s usually to correct him for something.

I HATE it here. I may not have typed it before here… but I really do.

Sigh

The only thing I think I have going for me is this – there’s no WAY that the next time we come down here will we be able to stay here. Our 9 yr old and 2 yr old sleep on a (what seems like) smaller than twin-size mattress on the floor. There’s NO WAY they’ll be able to fit on it the next time )

Sigh

We’re bleeding money like it’s ya know… water. I don’t even really know why cuz we haven’t done shit here, except to shop. Gee, wonder where the money’s going.

We buy food (we don’t expect them to feed us), cook it and they ignore it like it’s the plague.

They either harp on our kids constantly (like… they won’t stop talking to them… and it’s usually to bust their balls, like “Gimme that ice cream” or something like that” – OR – they don’t talk to them at all – walk around like they’re not even there.

“Well, we don’t know how to talk to them”

Please.

I try not to shield them – make them tough it out, get used to it – SOMETHING.

Then I feel like they’re thinking I’m just dumping my kids on them.

Gawd.

Hubby’d said he’d take me dancing (we’ve not done that in about 8 years) this week, but his mom don’t want to watch the baby, in case she cries.

WTF

Seriously, I hate it here.

I won’t even go into all the things we do wrong.

We did have a beautiful day yesterday – sunny, not too windy. We went to the library LOL

Yeehaw.

Kill me now.

Well anyways – Happy belated birthday to my BABY sister. I’m guessing I’m gonna have to return my laptop and that necklace he bought me for V-Day, considering how much money we’ve gone through on this trip.

He’s always SO surprised when we go through money.

Cuz ya know… gas is just so CHEAP (NOT!), and hotels, well, they just give the rooms away… (NOT!)

We haven’t done ANY of the things I’d wanted to do, because he waits around for his brother to come home from work, then his brother decides to take off for 3 or 4 hours without letting us know (he does have a life, even if it is living with mommy & daddy) or comes home and naps for a few hours. So we’ve sat around waiting for NOTHING.

Hubby’s so pissy and I know it’s not us (but it still makes me crazy).
I know – short trip. (shup, angel)

Ok, I’ve rambled enough – sorry, but I had to rant

More later. I’ll have to wait till we’re HOME to post pictures – there’s no way I’m gonna sit here and watch paint dry.

Updating again

We spent the day at a really cool dirt track Atomic Speedway or something like that. Actually got sun burnt WHILE freezing. LOL Will post more later.

update from the road (cont’d)

Oops, I forgot to mention… We drove down on Sunday to visit my family, so that on Monday we could go to the DMV and then head out. Sunday night, my sister, brother & parents and we all had dinner and a cake for my sister & I. My baby sister, who ISN”T so much a baby anymore, was born 12 years and 359 days after me… So I’m nearly 13 yrs older than her. For years, we had a combined birthday party, but hadn’t in a while, so it was nice. For my birthday, she, her husband and kids gave me a beautiful pair of earrings and an awesome Atkins’ cookbook that I can’t wait to use.

My brother, suddenly realizing that he hadn’t shopped for my birthday because it WAS 14 days early, headed out to the store and on the way back, got hit from behind by someone who also got hit from behind. He was pretty shaken up but ws otherwise OK, thankfully. He’s barely had his car a month! There wasn’t alot of damage, but we were just happy he was ok. He gave me a book called “Chicken Soup for the Mother’s & Daughter’s Soul”. I swear, he just likes to make me cry. Both my sister & brother gave me beautiful cards that were very touching, and made me feel glad that I’d had an impact.

My baby brother is 14 years younger, and so with them being so much younger, we spent alot of time together and they were like my kids. First hubby & I took them everywhere with us but because they aren’t my kids, I was able to be very forthcoming with them about all things, and remain that way today. My brother is gay and came out several yeras ago to a mostly accepting family. I made sure that he knew what he needed to know and I still do that. I insist he have th knowledge and tools that he needs to stay safe. (Of course, his coming out right after Matthew Sheppard was murdered had a huge impact as well.)

So anyways, I had a very nice early birthday and I’m very grateful to them all for making sure that I did. They know what kinds of birthdays I’ve had in the past, so it’s nice they made the effort.

My sister reads my blog, so… HI BABY SISTER

update from the road

So, here I am. Sitting in the backseat with my daughter & son, enjoying the BEAUTIFUL Virginia day while heading down 81S towards Knoxville. I didn’t get to meet angel of always his angel on the way down because her house has been besieged by the plague. So, on the way home, we’ll definitely stop by. (famous last words, I know).

Gettysburg was awesome. We drove through the nat’l park, and photographed a ALOT. When I uploaded the pics last night, there was 258! LOL We had NO CLUE that there was so much there, or we would have allotted more time. But my son got to see the actual places, and all of the statues was a sobering site. We stood 300 feet from where Lincoln gave his Address. Not bad for a 9 yr old!

We decided to just stay another night in PA last night, and headed out bright & early this morning. It’s been a beautiful day, perfect driving weather with mostly cloudy skies, but NICE temps! We stopped for lunch in Whytheville? and the kids played in a park for a bit and the temp was 66 degrees.

We found out that although McDonalds has wireless internet, they want $3 every time you connect to it. Well, bite me, Ronald. So I’ll type when I can and upload on their slow-ass dial-up when I can

I can’t wait to post some of these photos to my photoblog. It was a beautiful, if not FREEZING day for it, and the crystal blue sky is a wonderful backdrop for the Battlefield.

Nothing kinky to report for this trip yet. Can you imagine… we’ve already been away from home for 4 days and NO SEX. *sob* *whine* but I’m hoping that’ll change. The problem with having sex in the same house as your hubby’s family is that they’re CLOSE and the walls are thin. Oh, and your own kids sleep in the same room, on the floor next to your bed. LOL

So, I won’t be getting much either.

I’ve already made hubby promise to take me dancing at Cotton Eye Joe’s, a big country dance club type place in Knoxville. When I lived here, I always wanted to go there, but we never did (the whole 6 months I was here lol). So maybe for my birthday… we’ll see.

Ok, I guess that’s enough for me for now.