Father’s Name Unknown

Ok, so one of the reasons I had wanted to get married before our newest son was born was because, up until then, EVERYONE in this house has the same last name except me. When our children were born, however, my hubby-type person had to sign paternity papers saying “yes, I’m the daddy, yes you can track my ass down for child support should it ever come down to that”. Because they assume, obviously, that if you’re not married, you’re a deadbeat too.

So each of our children’s birth certificates says “Mother’s Name” and lists my name – not my maiden name – my MARRIED last name… and then of course, father’s name and the kids have HIS last name. Which is of course how we wanted it.

So it was just one of my neurotic moments of many where it really bothered me that a THIRD child would be born with their mother’s name not the *same*. So I put the heat on. Clearly, however, it didn’t work LOL

So then I said well, fine - if you’re not going to marry me, I’ll go have my name changed legally… this will accomplish a few things (not the least of which was to drive bamboo shoots up into the fingernails of hubby’s family hehehehe) and our next child will have the same name as ME. (I really do hate it that our names are different in the hospital – oh that’s baby K… his mom is mom X.)

balancing act

Every thing in life is a balancing act. I really do believe in karma. For the most part, things happen in equal portions of good and bad. Or not necessarily BAD, but … not good.

Take, for instance, my last posting. I extolled the incredibly wonderful event with my man. I didn’t, however, mention that there were some physical problems that hindered our “lovemaking” (I can never say that word without thinking of some bizarre Will Farrel SNL skit). That was the balance. Yes, he made me feel wonderful emotionally and physically but still, good & not so good collide.

Those problems are ongoing – it’s MY problem, not hubby’s. I’m not sure of the origin, but it bites…. big time. But we’ll get through it, as we always do. It’s terribly frustrating, though, so I come here to write about it, not to necessarily share it with you all, but just to get it out & look at it from perhaps a different perspective.

Believe it or not, not everything that goes on in my life is blogged about…. Good or bad, some things just aren’t worth sharing.

I try to remember that this blog is for *me*, (although I will admit to a small exhibitionist streak in me).   Last week’s entry, however, where I told the world how my man had made me feel… sharing such intimate details worked out well, because it was the way I shared how I felt WITH my man.  I had him read the entry – (he only reads my blog when I ask him to) – and his response was “I did all that?”  He had no idea that the way he responded to me and my post-pregnant body had made my heart and head soar.

It was through this dialogue that I came to find out that my man, my wonderful man, has a really low opinion of himself and his abilities.  He takes responsibility for my physiological problems, and no amount of my objecting to this will appease him.  He takes responsibility for it, blames himself or his “shortcomings”, of which he has none in that department.

As bad as that IS, it’s good in a way that I didn’t know about it before… He’s always joked about things before – his self-deprecation was cute.  He’s by no means… under-endowed, nor does he have a whale dick  LOL  We fit perfectly together, though, and that’s always what’s mattered to me.  I’ve had bigger, and definitely had smaller.  I like his the best.  There, I said it. LOL

But I had no idea that his sense of self-worth was so low. It’s brought a new challenge to my door, but at the very least, it’s one that I can at least handle, grasp and hopefully fix.  Maybe by then, my problems will have found a solution as well?

waking up

Part of the paradox that is child birth is a sense of accomplishment. You have put forth an entire human being. You’ve created life. Religiousness aside, you’ve DONE THIS. Look at what I did!

The other part of child birth is that it takes away every last ounce of dignity you may have ever had in the first place. Child birth isn’t pretty, sexy or remotely attractive in any way. Neither is the resulting recovery, and of course, add in the additional, inevitable lack of sleep and complete exhaustion and you’ve got a mess of a woman who, yes, has brought forth a human being, but feels like she’s been run over by a truck… over & over again.

At least that’s how it is for me. I look like hell. I fully admit to this. I’m not proud of it, but ya know… when you’re a human milk bar and the best you can manage is a shower every few days, and you watch brain cells go down the drain during those showers, it’s a good thing that you’re even awake at dinner. I tend to forget things easily and feel like a clown. My boobs are sore and mushy (not that burlesque type of overinflation you sometimes see with nursing moms), my belly is still swollen and although I’ve lost 20+ lbs, I still feel like a puffer fish. I do not feel sexy. I do not feel pretty. I do not feel beautiful.

miscalculations

heh… ok, so 3 weeks? not so much

3 weeks down…

3 weeks to go before I can “technically” have sex again.  This, of course, is when the baby starts sleeping all night, too, right?  And this is also when the other 2 go to sleep when they’re supposed to, instead of 2 hours later?  And of course, this is when I lost that extra 40 lbs I’ve been working on, my hair isn’t silver anymore and of course, I lose all guilt?

yeah, I fantasize, what can I say?

sugasm #70

Sugasm #70
Sugasm #70
Mon 12th Mar, 07

The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #71? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
You’re So Dirty When You’re Clean. ( http://middleurge.blogspot.com)
“The side of your hand slipping along her pussy lips. Her laugh, a mix of I-knew-it and do-that-more.”

Before ( http://thismuse.blogspot.com)
“Condoms and lube go into the bedside drawer next to the Bible. Purse into the drawer with clothes, whore-bag into the closet with my street shoes.”

Rude Bits: Tracy Quan on the Raunch Debate (http://susiebright.blogs.com)

“If someone is making money off your body, you should too.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sex Mad(ness) (http://sugarbank.com)

Editor’s Choice
The art of pegs (some artistic CBT) ( http://mistress160.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

NSFW Pics (& videos)
Heart Panties HNT ( http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)
Hillary scott episode 4 ( http://boobfixxx.com)
Just Teen Site’s Latest Nude Photo and Video (http://www.taratainton.com )
Light’s Out! ( http://buttocksblog.blogspot.com)
Veronika Zemanova Nude ( http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Sexual Poetry
Free verse smut ( http://kislee.naughtyblog.net)
Keys ( http://curious-grl.blogspot.com)
Poem: “International Women’s Day” ( http://porno-poet.livejournal.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Confessors and Confessions ( http://aslipofagirl.blogspot.com)
Flesh is Light, Volume One ( http://humpjones.com)
Fuck Me, Daddy and Other Lessons (Part Two) ( http://www.sex-kitten.net)
A Fuck Superlative: Coming Together (http://brooklynrake.blogspot.com)
Hello, it’s Me, Again! ( http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)
Once a Junkie… ( http://onlyamirage.blogspot.com)
Release ( http://sarawinters.blogspot.com)
Well, at least I have some good sexy thoughts anyways… (http://ladycalliah.wordpress.com )
Why I don’t do Myspace ( http://www.longhairedgoddess.com/blog )

Sex and Politics
GOPorn: Smut and the American Conservative ( http://mikeymongol.blogspot.com)
The Plot Thickens ( http://radicalvixen.com/blog)
Teacher Fired over Porn Pop Ups ( http://deliciously-naughty.typepad.com)

BDSM & Fetish
A Confession ( http://lestatsdragons.blogspot.com)
Fake Spanking Filmmakers ( http://adelehaze.com)
Fetish ( http://lonelyhouse.wordpress.com)
Happy HNT – Nipple clamp torture ( http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)
The Ideal Fantasy School ( http://www.spankingwriters.com/blog)
Instant Replay ( http://pandorablake.blogspot.com)
Isabella’s Eyes – Part XV ( http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
Sharing ( http://drtycplinva.blogspot.com)
Y is for yes please ( http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
5 Questions – A house in the country – Part One ( http://gentlygently.blogspot.com )
Afternoon Delight (part 2) ( http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)
A Fish Story ( http://blog.myspace.com/tit_elation)
Just one hour to fuck ( http://lastbreath.wordpress.com)
A Little Anal ( http://ilichenyou.blogspot.com)
The long tease (http://marriageishot.blogspot.com)
Love Runs Hot ( http://dopaminedreamsoverflow.blogspot.com)
Message Received ( http://bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)
My girlfriend the stripper, part 6 ( http://erotischism.blogspot.com)
Snowbound ( http://joeheather.blogspot.com)
A Soft Romance ( http://eroticjournals.blogspot.com)
Vanilla spicy ( http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Veronika Zemanova pic courtesy of ErotiCandy Blog.

woohooo

 

My blog is worth $23,146.14.
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March Madness

Ok, I’m so totally not a basketball fan. I have no clue about any of it. But I LOVE March! And not because My Birthday comes in March (hint hint, people – get moving here). Spring comes in March. My daffydills that are my birth flower bloom in March in SOME areas of the country (not mine right now though, dammit). The Earth wakes up from it’s sleep and starts to bloom. It’s just a beautiful time of year. THis year, I turn 40. In 3 more days, I’ll be 40 years old. I have *NO* idea how this happened. Last I knew, I was rollerskating (yes, ROLLERskates, not those godawful inline skates) on the sidewalk with my tape player blasting Michael Jackson and Air Supply. I was sure it was just yesterday or so.Now, how did I get to be 40??? Oh… I know what you’re thinking. She’s finally gone around the bend. But it really does feel like just yesterday. My sister had just been born. She was upstairs, in her playpen (remember those, folks?), and I was listening for her to wake up while I was on the front steps writing down lyrics to something. Well, damn.. now she’s 27. (Happy Belated Birthday, Sis) She’s got 2 kids of her own and they didn’t have playpens cuz somewhere along the way, they were deemed DANGEROUS. I’m digressing (I’ll explain what it means later, heather) So I turn 40 on Monday. I’m looking forward to my 40’s – sort of like I did with my 30s. I dreaded the 30s all while in my 20s. WHen I hit my 30s though, it was like I came into my own skin. I stopped worrying about stupid shit and became who I am. Maybe it coincided with me becoming a mom (at 29 years, 6 months), meeting hubby and really being loved for who I was. Maybe it was finally severing ties to my past. But my 30s were very cool. I brought them in by becoming a mom, and I’m ushering them out doing the same thing. My 40’s look to be interesting as well. They say that a woman reaches her sexual peak at 40. Hubby asked today “Well, how long does it last?”. If it’s anything like my 30s, he’s in trouble 40 used to be so OLD to me. I find it comforting to know, though, that most of my 40 yr old friends are also old enough to be grandmothers any day now (all their oldest kids are hitting 21 this year), and the fact that I’m still a few years from that comforts me GREATLY! *EG* So Happy Birthday to me… I’d hoped to celebrate it the way I TRULY enjoy celebrating, but the birth of my son has ummm… changed those plans somewhat – although I DO hope for at least some intimacy anyways As always, you’ll probably hear all about it.

Well, at least I have some good sexy thoughts anyways…

A week before I went into the hospital to have my baby, a woman I used to work with asked if I were having my tubes tied after this baby. I said yes, it’s definitely time for that. She replied, “Well, I hope you won’t have the same problem I did”. “What problem?”, I asked. “I lost my sex drive after I had my tubes tied”, she said.

Now yeah, I know… women like to scare the crap out of each other when it comes to birthing babies. They tell their horror stories with glee. But this SCARED ME. I thought… well damn, I barely GOT my sex drive back when I got pregnant. I’m screwed if I lose it for good!

I came home thinking about this, and wondering. Now, this woman has had 4 kids of her own, plus is married to a man who has 3 or 4 of his own. That’s a whole lotta kids to be keeping track of. No wonder she has no sex drive! LOL

Still, I kept it in the back of my mind. I knew I needed to do it, though.

I’m happy to report that I’ve suffered no such loss of sex drive. Obviously, I can’t *do* anything right now; between the incision, the bleeding, the KID … it’s just not gonna happen yet (I gave birth 2 weeks ago). BUT I think about it *EG* I grab hubby’s bits when the idea strikes … and I tell him about the things I can’t wait to do to him when I’m back in my own skin. Things like I can’t wait to straddle him again, being able to fuck him the way I like. Being able to lay on my stomach again, having him lay on top of me, his teeth on my neck, his breath in my ear. Yep, I can’t wait!

I’m here… just…

really tired, irritable, sore and ya know… busy being a moo-cow.  Nothing sexy or kinky happening.