There’ll Be No Anniversary Nookie For Me.

I’d posted this on my family-friendly blog, which would explain the toned down descriptors lol I added links for my kinky peeps.

Thankfully, the zoloft has not had any ill effects on my sex drive – of which I had none before. The zoloft, actually, has helped in that I don’t necessarily DISLIKE hubby all the time. So it was last night that I was feeling rather amorous and attacked suggested a little alone time. Just him, me and a new …ahem… adult “marital aid” that I’d bought ummm 5 months ago LOL Still in the package, even.

So, while he was taking a bath, I busted that baby out, set it on the bed and waited for hubby (who had agreed we could check out the new purchase).

And we did – and it was all fine and good… until…………
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no, the batteries didn’t die.
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no, the baby didn’t wake up.
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….
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no, the house didn’t catch on fire.
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…….
I HAD AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO THE FREAKIN TOY!!!!!!!!!!!

It began, actually, as things ended (at least for me). My hands started to itch. MADLY. I couldn’t stop with the itching. I went into the bathroom to wash my hands. Then I realized that other things were wrong. I was burning (there), and my stomach was starting to itch. And itch. AnD ITCH.

It was horrendous. And scary. And grosser than gross. My belly was very quickly covered in hives – dime sized bubbles all over. It also went to my arms, my neck, my chest. My face swelled.

and then………..

I had to CALL MY MOTHER.

To ask her who I could call to make sure I could take Benedryl with ZOLOFT, because the benedryl package said not to take with tranquilizers, and I didn’t know if zoloft would be considered one.

Because, you know, I wasn’t already dying of embarrassment at the prospect of going to the ER, having to explain “No, mom, I’d rather not tell you what I was using” when she asked what the hell would cause it.

Finally, I had to call my best friend, angel, who I knew had used zoloft before and might have some clue. She said YES, take the benedryl and wanted me to go to the ER because I’d developed a heaviness in my chest that was making it hard to breathe. At the same time, hubby was online, searching for clues, anything to figure out what to DO.

I did NOT relish the idea of waking 3 sleeping children and dragging them to the hospital at 11 at night, so I was desperate for SOMETHING to work.

I read now that anxiety makes the symptoms worse, and they did whenever I started pacing around or madly itching ANYTHING I could get my hands on – including my hands.

O M G

Finally, the benedryl started kicking in and I was barely able to hold my head up. I know I nursed Zachary at some point, but I have no idea what time it might have been. I had to have him sleep with me cuz there was no way I’d be able to walk to get him. I was able to sleep it off, thankfully and when I awoke this morning, there was no more itchy.

I STILL have some blotches on my belly, but it doesn’t itch.

One of the other symptoms of a latex allergic reaction is gastritis, and that’s what I believe is still causing the heaviness, feels like I have a chest cold kind of feeling in my chest – so I’ve been a joy to be around all day, burping like a frog.

I honesty don’t know if it’s an allergy to the latex that it’s made from – or maybe it’s just whatever they put on it at the end of the production line – because I’ve never had THIS sort of problem before. I didn’t wash it before using it – perhaps that’s what the problem was. I’ll NEVER know cuz obviously, it WON’T be used again. But if it was a latex allergy, wouldn’t I have had issues while I was in the hospital? I dunno, don’t understand it.

So although today is our 12th anniversary, there’ll Be No Anniversary Nookie For Me!

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Meow

Have you seen this show? I originally started watching it because we found out, rather by accident (thanks to Howard Stern) that one of our scene “Friends” was now working out there. You could have knocked me over with a feather! So I tuned in, just to say “no fucking way!’ but there she was! (to be fair, she’s not been seen except in a cursory, in the background way, but is “featured” on their website quite prominently). But then I kept watching!

In the past, I’d always viewed prostitution as I’m sure most people do. That it was the lowest of the low forms of abuse of women, that they would literally have to sell their souls in order to survive or at least get by. And sure, there are those out there that are “putting themselves through college”, etc. but in MOST cases, it’s a case of a woman hitting the bottom of the societal barrel.

Not THESE women.

THESE women are actually choosing this. Some of them go out there, make some SERIOUS money, and then go back to their lives. They supplement their income by sucking, fucking and making some guy’s fantasy come true. As overused as the statement is, that’s empowerment!

I’d always viewed prostitution, even “legal” prostitution, as dirty and sad. But this show has proven that I guess it’s not ALWAYS like that.

And that Denis Hof is hot. And to be fair to my bi-side, so is Isabella ♥

As an aside, through circumstance, I haven’t spoken to that “scene friend” since we found out, but I hope she’s ok.

Tags: bunnyranch, cat house, hbo

I’m honored

A while ago, I was awarded the Rockin Girl Blogger award by a lovely blogger friend, Catherine. But for many reasons, including the fact that I sure as hell didn’t FEEL like a Rockin Girl Blogger, I haven’t made mention to it here, although I did thank her.

I really am honored when someone likes my blog enough to make mention of it in a good way and even more so if they want to bestow honors on it! I really enjoy blogging, even if it can’t always be on the subject matter that I’d originally hoped it would be. But this is, after all, my life that I’m blogging about, and no one is kinky ALL the time… well… at least not most of us LOL

So, then it took me a while to figure out who I would like to pass the award on to. I knew, of course, that my best friend angel would definitely qualify – she rocks in so many ways. (Even if she *IS* 10 yrs younger than me *hmph*)

Another “given” would be Peg, because she’s been here since day 1 too.

Melinda, personifies CoOl with her blog about everything BUT sex LOL

His Mija, a relative newcomer to my blog, has shown such compassion during my recent struggles. That totally rocks, to me.

and of course, finally, SkyWindows – she & I seem to have alot in common as well, even if she has way too much on her plate right now.

So there’s my choices for this award, which truly isn’t just another graphic to throw on my blog, but means something to me.

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Tags: rockin’girl blogger, awards, bloggers, blogging, haiku venue, anything said, soulfully his, skywindows, always his, friends

one step at a time

So this week, things really came to a head, emotionally, for me.  I don’t really know why – nothing’s really changed that drastically. Maybe it’s just the lack of sleep – I’d begun to get used to the baby sleeping better at night – then when he didn’t – which was totally my fault, it threw me.  But it sucked.  And I got to a place where I could see myself really going too far, so I called the doctor and got an appointment to get changed from the celexa (which really isn’t indicated for breastfeeding) to zoloft. Hubby didn’t like it and essentially stopped talking to me.

Oh well – he’ll get over it

So I went , talked to the new doc and she gave me the prescription. Got it filled, took one yesterday. Made me very sleepy all day – made the baby sleepy too. Gonna take it at night from now on and see what happens.

Wish me luck.

life in the slow/fast/slow/fast/slow lane

Whether you’ve noticed or not, I haven’t blogged much.  At least not here. I’ve blogged like a mad woman over at the fam blog.  But I censor myself there, and I don’t have to here.

My relationship with hubby seems to be falling to shit once again.  I’m depressed. I have health issues that I either can’t fix, or can’t afford to fix. I’m angry at the stupid weather.  I’m angry that my 4yr old can piss me off so quickly, and elicit a reaction that she’s obviously yearning for, and I give it to her. 

I was told 2 months ago that I’m depressed, that I can take something to help me get through it – that it probably wouldn’t take long.  But hubby flipped his fucking LID over the idea, and because everything I fucking DO is for him, mostly, I didn’t take them.  He flipped bcause he’s known “people” on antidepressants before, and they were zoned out, made rash decisions, blah blah fucking blah.  Oh, and of course, what’s the effects on our son, whom I’m exclusively breastfeeding?

Oh, I don’t know – maybe the effects of me ALWAYS BEING MISERABLE AND ALWAYS YELLING AT HIS SIBLINGS – that might do something, too.

And I talk to him about it – yes, I most certianly do. Trying to keep those lines of communication open – that’s Me. Ms. Graham fuckin Bell.  And the results?

“Well, I’m depressed too.  We live in a depressed part of the country. I have a dead-end job. We have nothing to look forward to.”

Gee

I’m all warm & fuzzy now.

He can be so close-minded about things, there’s no way in hell I could get him into counseling.  So I say well, research this – figure out where to move where it’s not so damned shitty.

I give him all the fucking power.

I hate that I do this because it looks like FLIPPY is coming back and you know what? I was really starting to dislike him… severely.

It happens when he starts to dislike his job.  Which is, frequently, frequent.  The people are stupid, the boss is stupid, blahblahblah.  He’s doing a job he dislikes to begin with.  Well, guess WHAT?  Shit happens.

sigh

I apparently have a severely infected tooth or teeth that need to come out like YESTERDAY, according to the dentist. The infection could cause nerve damage, they tell me.  The news story tells me it could go to my brain & kill me.  I’m now on antibiotics, but I’m hedging on having them pulled because of the money.  The insurance company has a ONE YEAR waiting period on surgical extractions -which these are because they’re broken off at the gumline – because, you know… I like pain.

yah

And hubby’s idea of us alternating, one week he gets to decide what we’re going to do (in bed), and the next week is my choice… has really turned into a bad idea.  This weekend was my turn, and I felt OBLIGATED to have sex with him – sex during which he only touched me very briefly except for his dick.  Sex that I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  Sex that was so completely unsatisfying … there’s not even a word for.  I felt OBLIGATED.  What the fuck is up with that? 

I just don’t like him right now.

I don’t like me either, just to be fair.

It pisses me off to think I’ll have to wean my son so I can go get a fucking (stupid ass, low-paying retail or tourism) job so he can stay home and play with his dick music all day long.

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