wtf

I’m in a bad place today. No, not physically – physically, I’m sitting on my couch in my mostly quiet house, sharing Baby Einstein with my baby boy, while my oldest is upstairs *supposedly* cleaning his room; hubby’s at Staples with the evil middle child, my daughter spawn of satan and the princess of the house.

But that is a subject for another day.

Today, I’m gonna go on a rant that you’ll probably not understand and most definitely not give a shit about, but I’m in such a nasty, rotten mood that if I DO NOT GET IT OUT, I’m going to spontaneously combust.

“Geez, LC,” you say to yourself, “what’s got your panties in a bunch?”

MY EXTENDED FAMILY.

I love them, I really do.

But with each passing year, my poor little family gets more and more splintered and it’s because of ridiculous shit that gets passed around from one to the other, alienating more of us. I’ve always tried to be the peace maker in my family. “Come on”, I say – “you know you can’t stay mad at family – come on, make up & be nice. You never know how long you have.” And I honestly believe that.

But this time, Fuck Them.

Fuck them.

I’m stooping to a 20 yr old’s level, but I cannot help it. That’s how badly she’s pissed me off. You remember how fucking self-righteous and indignant you were at 20? Yeah, she’s the fucking QUEEN of it right now, and she’s very lucky I live 200 miles away, because I’d have been at her door at 9am this morning. Just to deliver my message live and in person.

Fuck.

I can’t let it go, either. The other fuck up in the equation is my stupid fuck of a dipshit ex husband who spurred it all on by opening his big fucking mouth. I can’t go into specifics. But he’s a dipshit who will *not* make the same mistake again because now I will not discuss anybody with him. At all. Fuck him too.

and then Grrrrrrrrrr – to think of all the fucking times I’ve been laughed at or ignored, bitched about, etc. and I just kept saying to myself “it’s family… it’s family…”

Fuck.

I’m the one in the family who remembers everyone’s birthday. Everyone’s anniversary. I’m the one in the family that, despite being 200 miles away, makes sure to send a gift whenever I can. I’m the one in the family who makes it a point to call them on their birthday. To let them know that I remembered, that I care and that I love them.

Want to know the last time my kids received any of that same treatment from this particular segment of my family?

never.

Not a phone call, not a card – I don’t give a shit about gifts – I give my kids everything they want – but not even a fucking phone call. AND IT’S NOT EVEN LONG DISTANCE! I purposely have a Rhode Island telephone number so they do not have to call long distance to talk to me. But they never use it anyways.

But I’m not petty – just because THEY don’t do it, doesn’t mean I should take it out on their kids. It’s not their fault. And of course it’s not. But it still pisses me off. My kids are out of sight, out of mind. Theirs NEVER are. I love those kids, and even though I live 200 miles away, I make sure that they know that.

I still have to remind my oldest son, who is 10-1/2, who “these people” are when we go there because he never hears from them.

It’s so fucking frustrating.

And my hubby says “well, they know you’ll keep sending the shit… why do they care if you’re pissed”

And the sad part is, he’s right.

Fuck.

Nature hates me (or… there goes my chances for getting on Survivor)

No – seriously, it does.

The new photo on my blog header was taken today at this beautiful, serene lake about 10 minutes from home. We got there early, got a nice spot with lots of shade, but near enough to the beach to be able to watch the kids play in the sand.

10 minutes into our little outing, I got BIT. I got bit by some asshole bug horsefly wannabe. I watched the damned thing happen. This is what happened to my hand:

I got bit no less than 7 times in the 5 hours we were there. My baby boy got bit once. The other THREE people in our little party – ya know, the man & two other kidlets? NOTHING. Not that I wish they would have, but WTF.

So then, there we are, sitting at our kitchen table, eating the banana splits that I bribed promised everyone if we could PLEASE LEAVE THIS GODFORSAKEN BUG FEST once we left the beach, hubby came up behind my chair and I asked him if I’d gotten sunburnt, because my shoulder kind of felt like it had.

THERE WAS A FUCKING TICK SUCKING MY BLOOD OUT, that’s why it felt weird.

Nature hates me.

To Guilt or not to Guilt… that is the question

I have written this post for my (former) baby blog now turned family blog, but because I have such a diverse readership, I thought I’d post it here as well to see what kinds of comments I’d get from the 1 or 2 folks who visit here

Kristen over at Motherhood Uncensored had an interesting post yesterday about mom guilt. As you know, I have tons of mom guilt. But mine is not necessarily brought on by other’s expectations or judgements of my actions. For the most part, I really don’t *care* what you think about the fact that I’m a stay at home mom. Yes, many women fought for the women’s movement so that I would be allowed to go to work if I wanted. I am grateful to have that “right”, and I’m also grateful that I don’t have to use it.

Hubby & I purposely choose to go without things so that I can stay at home with my children because *I* *Personally* *Believe* that that’s where I belong. I couldn’t stand the idea of missing anything that my child would do for the first, second, third time. I couldn’t stand someone else making decisions about my kid on a daily basis. As it was, when I went to work when my son was 6, I felt guilty and he was well past the “firsts”!

I worked for about 18 months and was home again, having my daughter. Last summer, just when I was thinking I should start looking for a job, as hubby had had no luck, I got pregnant with my son. LOL It just is obvious to me that I don’t belong at work LOL

So anyways, I don’t care if you don’t agree with it. I feel no guilt whatsoever. We don’t drive a new car – we drive a 1998 used minivan. We don’t have cable tv, although we do have a generous friend who allows us to watch tv through his Sling Box and Tivo, but if he didn’t, we would simply not have it – I can’t justify spending $800 a year on a bunch of crap television!

I don’t care if you don’t agree with my breastfeeding, or homeschooling or any of the things I do that are radical from your views. There’s no guilt there either. None of my children have been baptised/christened/etc. We’re simply not a religious family. Nope, no guilt there either.

So where does all that guilt come from? My new blog friend Frog Princess recently revealed that she’s going to have to go back to work perhaps next month. Her daughter was born a few days before Zachary, so they’re the same age. Do I judge her for the fact that she’s going back to work? Nah. I feel BAD for her, but I don’t think she’s less of a mom because she’s making that choice. The SAHM life isn’t for everyone. Hell, it’s not even for ME some days. But, as my mom used to say, you’ve made your bed, now lay in it.

Most of my family have done things the more traditional way. My mom, sister & sister in law all went back to work after having their babies. None of them breastfed for more than a week or month. None of them homeschool. All of them had their babies Christened. All of them had vaginal births. To say I’m the radical in the family is an understatement LOL Do they make me feel guilty for my choices? Nope. So where does that mom guilt that so many women suffer from come from? Is it really other women’s opinions of them, or is their perception that other women are judging them?

Maybe it’s an age thing. Do you care less about what other people think of you the older you get? I know I used to feel those scornful looks from people when I was younger. My weight, perhaps, was the biggest culprit. I just assumed people were staring, making harsh comments about me under their breath or in their heads or to their horrified co-conspirators. Were they? I’ll never know – but I felt like they were and that was enough to make me feel bad. Maybe that perception changed as I got older.

Do I wish that all moms could stay home with their children and be able to pay their bills and buy new things, etc.? Of course. Is it possible? Of course not. We need those women doing those jobs they do in order for our world to turn the way it does. We need women to formula feed because otherwise (and I’m not being sarcastic), those jobs would be lost – the ones who make the formula, the cans, the bottles. We need parents to send their kids to school – again, the jobs, etc. (Although I find it interesting that the homeschool evaluator that we use is a public school teacher who homeschools LOL)

So why the guilt, why the blame game?

Do I think I’m a better mother because I am a homeschooling, breastfeeding, non-religiousing(?), stay at homing(?) parent? Hell no. But I’m the best parent I can be, no matter what others might or might not think, and I think that’s the only way TO be.

So to those new moms and semi-new moms, stop worrying about what others think or you perceive they might be thinking about you and your choices. Do YOUR best to raise happy, healthy, socially responsible, thoughtful children and your kid(s) will thrive.

Now, if I can just get past the guilt I put on MYSELF, I’d be home free!

apples… trees…. *whatever*

3 yr old daughter, walking down the stairs with her 10 yr old brother:

“Brother, don’t you touch my easter bunny or I’ll knock you down!”

Yeah, she’s totally gonna be a Domme.

15 days

• Just 15 days to go until my newest heir to the throne is brought, screaming, into this world. Hard to believe, eh?

• You Were Nice This Year

  You Were 25% Naughty, 75% Nice Okay, so you weren’t *entirely* nice this year But Santa doesn’t expect a modern girl to be perfect You were good enough – and you’ll be rewarded for it

  How Naughty (Or Nice) Were You This Year?

• Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

  Anna Nicole Smith

  Who’s Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

I’m still hoping to hear from someone about a backup blogging site that allows you to import. C’mon people.

• I hope that Melinda got her heat back this weekend.

• Prince was awesome in the superbowl halftime show. He’s still hot after all these years. I actually stood in line at 5am to get tickets for his show 23 years ago.. and they sold out before I got any.

• I taught a one-on-one eBay class yesterday, despite the fact that it was 10 degrees out, and I’m , ya know, 99 months pregnant. But the lady was very appreciative, so that was nice. She even called to make sure I got home ok.

• My mom & dad are coming up for the baby’s birth

• My friend angel is sending me a paddle that’s even got my name on it. I can’t wait.

• Although it wasn’t a holiday, my mom turned 60 this weekend, and my parents also celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary. I can’t possibly fathom that!

• My 3 yr old has officially joined the ranks of the homeschooled.

• My kids keep coming up with names for the baby.

• While I haven’t been able to be particularly kinky for a while, I still have kinky thoughts, so I consider that to be my reason why I keep my blog named this

• Even though we’re expecting a very nice tax refund, I cannot think of more than 2 things that I want to buy when we get the money One of them is a freezer, the other – a *good* frying pan.

• A really awesome homeschooling site – IknowThat.com

• I quit smoking 16 years ago and according to quitnet.com, I’ve saved $60,000.

• I was really upset by this news story about this woman who was refused medical treatment while being arrested, and she miscarried her baby. Now, while she obviously was probably already losing the baby, having to go through that whole night KNOWING it was happening, would be awfully cruel.

• Some people try to guess my password for my password protected postings. I tell them that’s like trying to hack my blog.

• This other story about this couple who had sextuplets and then refused to allow them to have what could have been life-saving medical treatments that would have saved TWO of the babies – also pisses me off. You want them so bad, you do what you have to, religion or not, to SAVE THEM.

• While I can’t wait for my pregnancy to be finished and the baby to be here, I know I’ll miss being pregnant, at least a little bit.

• I have read every single (fiction) book by Koontz, Patterson, King, & Grafton.

• In hindsite, I wish I hadn’t fought so hard to avoid a c-section with my son, thus putting both our lives in danger.

• After almost 12 years, I can say without a doubt that our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been.

• And the sex ain’t bad either

And in case you’re wondering, I’ve just used every category I have on my blog LOL

this is kinda nice

As you may or may not remember, I homeschool my son. I’ve done so since he was born, basically. He’s never attended a regular schoool, and that’s just fine for both of us. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort, on both our parts.Last Spring, my next door neighbor mentioned he was taking his 5 yr old to kindergarten testing.I thought… hmmm, testing for kindergarten??? I asked what that entailed, and he said oh you know, they test them on shapes, colors, abcs, that sort of thing, just to get an idea of where he is.I thought wow… if kindergarden is all about abcs and shapes and colors, and that’s ALL, then umm… what are parents doing with their kids before that?

I bring this up because this weekend, I bought my daughter her first “homeschooler” workbook. This is for preschool, and she’s 3-1/2. She knows her colors. She knows her shapes. She can sing the ABCs and recognizes some numbers. She’s also knows her way around the PC better than my own dad does. Does this mean she’s ready for kindergarten now too?? If that’s the case, in another year and a half, when other parents of these ‘03 babies are readying their children to go to kindergarten, where will my daughter be on that learning curve? LOL “Algebra for the 5 yr old” maybe. lol Now this is NOT a smug, my kid is better than your kid post at all. My 10 yr old just started reading this past year. It was a long, arduous struggle that seemed to take forever. He still has problems with addition/subtraction in his head but LOVES things like geometry, fractions and now the times tables. So no, my kid isn’t doing algebra for the 10 yr old, but that’s not what this post is about either. I am just thinking it’s kinda nice that, without even really trying hard, these things are already instilled in my daughter – as they were with my son, but he was a little older. I’m asking an genuine question to my readers, although as in times past, I know better than to expect *any* answers… but what did/does your 3-4 year old do? Does he/she know this stuff? Would they be bored, as mine apparently already is, with these worksheets asking her to color in just the squares, etc.? Now, I KNOW she’s not a baby genius LOL I just wonder, where is she on the developmental curve along with others her age. Oh, and does he/she use words like “actually”? LOL

Christmas past & present

On Thanksgiving, my hubby gave the t-giving toast like this: “Here’s to our last Thanksgiving as a family of 4, and to the rest as a family of 5″.Simple, huh?But it’s amazing. One second – one milisecond and you’re a family of5. As I sit here staring at my growing belly, listening to my daughter sleep behind me…my son asleep inhis room, their daddy on the couch because the little blonde girl crawled in with mom. The one in my belly churning, waking up with the tea I have been drinking… and now the hiccups start LOL (The baby’s… not mine) Hubby’s & my first Christmas came in November of 1995. He’d traveled 12 hours north on the Amtrak. I’d booked a cabin in the mountains of New Hampshire, never dreaming we’d live there years later. I brought one of those little table-top Christmas trees and some various oils & lotions. I waited on that platform for what seemed like forever, but finally, he was there! Now, it was colder than hell, and when we arrived at the cabin, it was dark. We settled in, and I made dinner. We got a fire going in the fireplace, and we had dinner by candlelight. It was truly something out of a book, a movie or a dream. We had a lovely evening, complete with those lotions & oils, and woke the next morning to a beautiful winter wonderland. It had snowed, and the wind had taken the power out (during dinner, as I recall). Well, the problem with losing the power was that the power-operated water pump wouldn’t work either. I.e. no water *at all*. We wound up driving to a diner for the potty and the breakfast – itchy from the lotions & oils LOL Two months later, I’d moved down to TN and finished our first Christmas together. I still wear the bracelet he gave me that day. I think I just threw the last pair of silk boxers I gave him away last month. From those funny, humble beginnings to a family of 5. Wow. Now our Christmas is centered around our children. We plan and plot about what we want for them, and how and when and where to get it. But the best part about that was my son coming to me earlier this month and saying to me “Mom, I don’t care if it’s not a big Christmas this year”. My 10 year old! Little does he know, it’s not an issue this year, thankfully. However, knowing that he isn’t looking for the big payoff of Christmas, is the best present of all.

plenty of thanks

Every year, I search for the words to describe how thankful I am for the many blessings I have in my life. Every year, I feel like I fail. At last year’s Thanksgiving dinner, I thanked my family for giving me so much, I thanked hubby for the incredible turnaround he’d made and how he’d changed all of our lives. I fought back tears as my son described how much he missed my grandparents and wished they could be with us, but I told him how grateful *I* was for having had them for so many years – So many people don’t have that opportunity to spend 35 years with their grandparents. I was so grateful to have to healthy, happy children, and to have my health, and hubby’s health. I was so grateful to have my parents, siblings and their children, even though they’re 200 miles away – they’re all healthy & basically happy.

This year began with me not knowing how things could be even better. I had no idea, at the beginning of the year, that things would change forever, yet again! I had no warning, no clue, that by the end of the year, we’d be readying for another baby – another whole person! My children, blessed again with good health – are my life. Who knew I could have room in my heart to include a third!

My young neighbor, a 23 yr old mom of 3, has had such a difficult year. I’m betting that her thanksgiving thoughts last year didn’t include the fact that her 5 yr old would be diagnosed with leukemia this year. That her youngest son’s first year would be spent on the road, constantly driving the oldest to and from treatments, doctor appointments, emergency rooms. How this 23 yr old kid handles that, I don’t know – will hopefully never know. Her plight makes me even MORE grateful that I’ve never had to face what she does – and it’s a daily struggle, I’m sure.

So, this year, again, I am thankful for my healthy kids, my soon to be 3rd child who seemingly is healthy as well, and for my extended family’s health. After that, it’s all gravy, isn’t it?

mmmmmm… graaaavy

Happy Thanksgiving to all that celebrate it… and try to give those that need it something to be grateful for, too.

a (late) ode to grandparents

My mother left my stepfather in the middle of the night. She walked out with us (my 18 month old brother and my 3 yr old self) after instructing me to pick one toy out. She walked out after having found me bleeding from the face after he’d punched me. (I still don’t get how you can punch a 3 yr old). She was 23 yrs old. We lived in Alabama. She had to make her way back to RI with 2 kids and no money.

My grandparents helped her, and eventually, we got Home. We lived with them for the next 10 years. My grandmother worked in a buckle factory. She never made more than $3.65 an hour in her whole life. My grandfather had a lifetime history of heart problems, so he was on disability. He braided my hair, made our lunches, made sure we were dressed properly. He & my grandmother used to crochet afghans. They made my brother & I our own when we were very little (still living in AL) – I still have that afghan and protect it from my own kids grabbing little hands because they love it too. lol

quiet on the pervy front

This week has pretty much sucked. Not between *us* – but we have another of those stupid-ass apartment inspections that takes up my focus and makes me obsessed. They don’t even visit every apartment. But JUST IN CASE, you have all these other apartments vying for space in the dumpsters – which were full yesterday – and don’t get dumped till tomorrow – and at the same time dealing with kids, cooking, oh and visiting parents LOL

Hasn’t been conducive to feeling particularly pervy. I did tryyyy yesterday – sending hubby the following lines in emails …

Me- I’m thinking I’m gonna be a little bit naughty today…

Him- “how so?”

Me- First, I’m going to unbutton your buttons on your shirt and pull it out from your pants, running my nails around your waist.

Him – (never responded)

Me- Then I’m gonna Slide my hands up under your shirt, running my fingers over your chest, lighting teasing your nipples…

And then I got distracted with the house again and never continued. dammit.

Of course, he did just start this new job and couldn’t respond because he doesn’t know who is watching what, so that helped kill the idea lol

I’m trying, though… sorta

So today, MAYBE, some dudes will trample through my house, then we can get back to the idea of perviness… I hope