To Guilt or not to Guilt… that is the question

I have written this post for my (former) baby blog now turned family blog, but because I have such a diverse readership, I thought I’d post it here as well to see what kinds of comments I’d get from the 1 or 2 folks who visit here

Kristen over at Motherhood Uncensored had an interesting post yesterday about mom guilt. As you know, I have tons of mom guilt. But mine is not necessarily brought on by other’s expectations or judgements of my actions. For the most part, I really don’t *care* what you think about the fact that I’m a stay at home mom. Yes, many women fought for the women’s movement so that I would be allowed to go to work if I wanted. I am grateful to have that “right”, and I’m also grateful that I don’t have to use it.

Hubby & I purposely choose to go without things so that I can stay at home with my children because *I* *Personally* *Believe* that that’s where I belong. I couldn’t stand the idea of missing anything that my child would do for the first, second, third time. I couldn’t stand someone else making decisions about my kid on a daily basis. As it was, when I went to work when my son was 6, I felt guilty and he was well past the “firsts”!

I worked for about 18 months and was home again, having my daughter. Last summer, just when I was thinking I should start looking for a job, as hubby had had no luck, I got pregnant with my son. LOL It just is obvious to me that I don’t belong at work LOL

So anyways, I don’t care if you don’t agree with it. I feel no guilt whatsoever. We don’t drive a new car - we drive a 1998 used minivan. We don’t have cable tv, although we do have a generous friend who allows us to watch tv through his Sling Box and Tivo, but if he didn’t, we would simply not have it - I can’t justify spending $800 a year on a bunch of crap television!

I don’t care if you don’t agree with my breastfeeding, or homeschooling or any of the things I do that are radical from your views. There’s no guilt there either. None of my children have been baptised/christened/etc. We’re simply not a religious family. Nope, no guilt there either.

So where does all that guilt come from? My new blog friend Frog Princess recently revealed that she’s going to have to go back to work perhaps next month. Her daughter was born a few days before Zachary, so they’re the same age. Do I judge her for the fact that she’s going back to work? Nah. I feel BAD for her, but I don’t think she’s less of a mom because she’s making that choice. The SAHM life isn’t for everyone. Hell, it’s not even for ME some days. But, as my mom used to say, you’ve made your bed, now lay in it.

Most of my family have done things the more traditional way. My mom, sister & sister in law all went back to work after having their babies. None of them breastfed for more than a week or month. None of them homeschool. All of them had their babies Christened. All of them had vaginal births. To say I’m the radical in the family is an understatement LOL Do they make me feel guilty for my choices? Nope. So where does that mom guilt that so many women suffer from come from? Is it really other women’s opinions of them, or is their perception that other women are judging them?

Maybe it’s an age thing. Do you care less about what other people think of you the older you get? I know I used to feel those scornful looks from people when I was younger. My weight, perhaps, was the biggest culprit. I just assumed people were staring, making harsh comments about me under their breath or in their heads or to their horrified co-conspirators. Were they? I’ll never know - but I felt like they were and that was enough to make me feel bad. Maybe that perception changed as I got older.

Do I wish that all moms could stay home with their children and be able to pay their bills and buy new things, etc.? Of course. Is it possible? Of course not. We need those women doing those jobs they do in order for our world to turn the way it does. We need women to formula feed because otherwise (and I’m not being sarcastic), those jobs would be lost - the ones who make the formula, the cans, the bottles. We need parents to send their kids to school - again, the jobs, etc. (Although I find it interesting that the homeschool evaluator that we use is a public school teacher who homeschools LOL)

So why the guilt, why the blame game?

Do I think I’m a better mother because I am a homeschooling, breastfeeding, non-religiousing(?), stay at homing(?) parent? Hell no. But I’m the best parent I can be, no matter what others might or might not think, and I think that’s the only way TO be.

So to those new moms and semi-new moms, stop worrying about what others think or you perceive they might be thinking about you and your choices. Do YOUR best to raise happy, healthy, socially responsible, thoughtful children and your kid(s) will thrive.

Now, if I can just get past the guilt I put on MYSELF, I’d be home free!

15 days

• Just 15 days to go until my newest heir to the throne is brought, screaming, into this world. Hard to believe, eh?

• You Were Nice This Year

  You Were 25% Naughty, 75% Nice Okay, so you weren’t *entirely* nice this year But Santa doesn’t expect a modern girl to be perfect You were good enough - and you’ll be rewarded for it

  How Naughty (Or Nice) Were You This Year?

• Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

  Anna Nicole Smith

  Who’s Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

I’m still hoping to hear from someone about a backup blogging site that allows you to import. C’mon people.

• I hope that Melinda got her heat back this weekend.

• Prince was awesome in the superbowl halftime show. He’s still hot after all these years. I actually stood in line at 5am to get tickets for his show 23 years ago.. and they sold out before I got any.

• I taught a one-on-one eBay class yesterday, despite the fact that it was 10 degrees out, and I’m , ya know, 99 months pregnant. But the lady was very appreciative, so that was nice. She even called to make sure I got home ok.

• My mom & dad are coming up for the baby’s birth

• My friend angel is sending me a paddle that’s even got my name on it. I can’t wait.

• Although it wasn’t a holiday, my mom turned 60 this weekend, and my parents also celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary. I can’t possibly fathom that!

• My 3 yr old has officially joined the ranks of the homeschooled.

• My kids keep coming up with names for the baby.

• While I haven’t been able to be particularly kinky for a while, I still have kinky thoughts, so I consider that to be my reason why I keep my blog named this

• Even though we’re expecting a very nice tax refund, I cannot think of more than 2 things that I want to buy when we get the money One of them is a freezer, the other - a *good* frying pan.

• A really awesome homeschooling site - IknowThat.com

• I quit smoking 16 years ago and according to quitnet.com, I’ve saved $60,000.

• I was really upset by this news story about this woman who was refused medical treatment while being arrested, and she miscarried her baby. Now, while she obviously was probably already losing the baby, having to go through that whole night KNOWING it was happening, would be awfully cruel.

• Some people try to guess my password for my password protected postings. I tell them that’s like trying to hack my blog.

• This other story about this couple who had sextuplets and then refused to allow them to have what could have been life-saving medical treatments that would have saved TWO of the babies - also pisses me off. You want them so bad, you do what you have to, religion or not, to SAVE THEM.

• While I can’t wait for my pregnancy to be finished and the baby to be here, I know I’ll miss being pregnant, at least a little bit.

• I have read every single (fiction) book by Koontz, Patterson, King, & Grafton.

• In hindsite, I wish I hadn’t fought so hard to avoid a c-section with my son, thus putting both our lives in danger.

• After almost 12 years, I can say without a doubt that our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been.

• And the sex ain’t bad either

And in case you’re wondering, I’ve just used every category I have on my blog LOL

this is kinda nice

As you may or may not remember, I homeschool my son. I’ve done so since he was born, basically. He’s never attended a regular schoool, and that’s just fine for both of us. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort, on both our parts.Last Spring, my next door neighbor mentioned he was taking his 5 yr old to kindergarten testing.I thought… hmmm, testing for kindergarten??? I asked what that entailed, and he said oh you know, they test them on shapes, colors, abcs, that sort of thing, just to get an idea of where he is.I thought wow… if kindergarden is all about abcs and shapes and colors, and that’s ALL, then umm… what are parents doing with their kids before that?

I bring this up because this weekend, I bought my daughter her first “homeschooler” workbook. This is for preschool, and she’s 3-1/2. She knows her colors. She knows her shapes. She can sing the ABCs and recognizes some numbers. She’s also knows her way around the PC better than my own dad does. Does this mean she’s ready for kindergarten now too?? If that’s the case, in another year and a half, when other parents of these ‘03 babies are readying their children to go to kindergarten, where will my daughter be on that learning curve? LOL “Algebra for the 5 yr old” maybe. lol Now this is NOT a smug, my kid is better than your kid post at all. My 10 yr old just started reading this past year. It was a long, arduous struggle that seemed to take forever. He still has problems with addition/subtraction in his head but LOVES things like geometry, fractions and now the times tables. So no, my kid isn’t doing algebra for the 10 yr old, but that’s not what this post is about either. I am just thinking it’s kinda nice that, without even really trying hard, these things are already instilled in my daughter - as they were with my son, but he was a little older. I’m asking an genuine question to my readers, although as in times past, I know better than to expect *any* answers… but what did/does your 3-4 year old do? Does he/she know this stuff? Would they be bored, as mine apparently already is, with these worksheets asking her to color in just the squares, etc.? Now, I KNOW she’s not a baby genius LOL I just wonder, where is she on the developmental curve along with others her age. Oh, and does he/she use words like “actually”? LOL

More updating

Home Schooling Evaluation:

well, thankfully, THAT’S over. My son officially has passed into 3rd grade. The evaluator has assured me that I haven’t screwed him up for life by deciding to homeschool. I really have no idea how long we’ll do this. I know I want to keep him from harm, and public school just screams that to me. Both emotionally, physically and intelluctually. So we’ll see. For now, he’s a very happy 8 year old and I’m a much relieved Mom.

New “Lifestyle” choices:

Yes, I’ve made a lifestyle choice. LOL I went low-carb. *gasps in the crowd* Yeah, I know.. it’s radical. But fuck-it - I needed to do something.

I’ve lost 16 lbs and 11 inches this month. I did it because I want this or this. I want it to look reasonably good

I am proud of myself, and will keep going until I’m confident that my hubby’s eyes will pop out of his head when I put one of those on

Coming out to My Mom:

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I spoke to my ‘bio’ father and that day, I spoke to my mother, to let her know what was going on. After his disappearing act when my grandmother died, my mother had finally written him off. But she was surprised to hear about his health, etc. We then discussed my uncle, her only sibling. He’d had a horrible car wreck a year ago, and it’s nearly impossible to think that he’s actually survived. I haven’t seen him, but when I’ve talked to him, I can hear the changes in him.

Anyways, we talked about how much things can change in just an instant. In both these men’s cases, their lives were going along, and then BAM, not so fine. Life’s too short, etc.

I don’t know why, but I felt it was finally time to tell her about My Other Life. If you do a google search for my name, there’s more than 600 references to it. Since I made the name UP, most of them relate to me and my lifestyle. I have designed a number of lifestyle websites, as well, so those come up too. Hell, posts I’ve made to Bondage.com message boards wind up in there. And this blog.

The last thing I wanted was someone ELSE telling my mother “oh, you won’t BELEIVE what I found on the internet last night!”

Now, I’ve always been careful about posting pictures of me or my family with any reference to the name I chose for this Lifestyle. But invariably, I finally started using this name on my IM’s because it was easier than remembering to switch over to talk to family. A couple of months ago, I was on IM with my sister in law, and she says “oh btw, I saw your profile on here”.

Uh Oh.

So, I said well, what did you think? She says “are all those your websites?”. I explained that no, some were ones I’d designed, others were just informational. She let it go at that, although we did discuss bondage and the wonderful effects of duct tape (I asked if that’s what’d happened to my brother’s hair - had she been practicing head bondage LOL).

She did assure me that she would never mention this to my mother. Phew.

My sister-in-law & I have been friends for 26 years. It hasn’t always been the BEST relationship, but I trust her.

In any case, my other siblings (other than her hubby) know about me. My dad knows about me. It was just my mom. I didn’t want her to find out the hard way (by being directed to this blog and havign her read my story LOL)

I decided to tell her. I said well, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. (Sidenote: ALL of us have said this to her at one point of another in our lives. I have 3 siblings and we’ve all dropped bombs on her LOL)

I told her that I participate in an alternative lifestyle. She asked what that meant, so I discussed it with her. That there dominants and submissives, that I was a dominant, etc. Explained to her that I just didn’t want her finding it out from someone else or by stumbling across something herself. So then I explained that I would be sending her an email with a URL with a great article that explained it better. This article really made me decide to tell her in the first place, and is actually “featuring” 2 of my scene friends.

So that was that. Earlier this week, I asked if her she’d read that site. She said yes, she had. I said ok, what did you think?… and she says “Well, I wasn’t impressed………… but I don’t have to be”.

Alrighty then!

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya, mom LOL

Sheesh. Parents are so difficult.