To Guilt or not to Guilt… that is the question

I have written this post for my (former) baby blog now turned family blog, but because I have such a diverse readership, I thought I’d post it here as well to see what kinds of comments I’d get from the 1 or 2 folks who visit here

Kristen over at Motherhood Uncensored had an interesting post yesterday about mom guilt. As you know, I have tons of mom guilt. But mine is not necessarily brought on by other’s expectations or judgements of my actions. For the most part, I really don’t *care* what you think about the fact that I’m a stay at home mom. Yes, many women fought for the women’s movement so that I would be allowed to go to work if I wanted. I am grateful to have that “right”, and I’m also grateful that I don’t have to use it.

Hubby & I purposely choose to go without things so that I can stay at home with my children because *I* *Personally* *Believe* that that’s where I belong. I couldn’t stand the idea of missing anything that my child would do for the first, second, third time. I couldn’t stand someone else making decisions about my kid on a daily basis. As it was, when I went to work when my son was 6, I felt guilty and he was well past the “firsts”!

I worked for about 18 months and was home again, having my daughter. Last summer, just when I was thinking I should start looking for a job, as hubby had had no luck, I got pregnant with my son. LOL It just is obvious to me that I don’t belong at work LOL

So anyways, I don’t care if you don’t agree with it. I feel no guilt whatsoever. We don’t drive a new car – we drive a 1998 used minivan. We don’t have cable tv, although we do have a generous friend who allows us to watch tv through his Sling Box and Tivo, but if he didn’t, we would simply not have it – I can’t justify spending $800 a year on a bunch of crap television!

I don’t care if you don’t agree with my breastfeeding, or homeschooling or any of the things I do that are radical from your views. There’s no guilt there either. None of my children have been baptised/christened/etc. We’re simply not a religious family. Nope, no guilt there either.

So where does all that guilt come from? My new blog friend Frog Princess recently revealed that she’s going to have to go back to work perhaps next month. Her daughter was born a few days before Zachary, so they’re the same age. Do I judge her for the fact that she’s going back to work? Nah. I feel BAD for her, but I don’t think she’s less of a mom because she’s making that choice. The SAHM life isn’t for everyone. Hell, it’s not even for ME some days. But, as my mom used to say, you’ve made your bed, now lay in it.

Most of my family have done things the more traditional way. My mom, sister & sister in law all went back to work after having their babies. None of them breastfed for more than a week or month. None of them homeschool. All of them had their babies Christened. All of them had vaginal births. To say I’m the radical in the family is an understatement LOL Do they make me feel guilty for my choices? Nope. So where does that mom guilt that so many women suffer from come from? Is it really other women’s opinions of them, or is their perception that other women are judging them?

Maybe it’s an age thing. Do you care less about what other people think of you the older you get? I know I used to feel those scornful looks from people when I was younger. My weight, perhaps, was the biggest culprit. I just assumed people were staring, making harsh comments about me under their breath or in their heads or to their horrified co-conspirators. Were they? I’ll never know – but I felt like they were and that was enough to make me feel bad. Maybe that perception changed as I got older.

Do I wish that all moms could stay home with their children and be able to pay their bills and buy new things, etc.? Of course. Is it possible? Of course not. We need those women doing those jobs they do in order for our world to turn the way it does. We need women to formula feed because otherwise (and I’m not being sarcastic), those jobs would be lost – the ones who make the formula, the cans, the bottles. We need parents to send their kids to school – again, the jobs, etc. (Although I find it interesting that the homeschool evaluator that we use is a public school teacher who homeschools LOL)

So why the guilt, why the blame game?

Do I think I’m a better mother because I am a homeschooling, breastfeeding, non-religiousing(?), stay at homing(?) parent? Hell no. But I’m the best parent I can be, no matter what others might or might not think, and I think that’s the only way TO be.

So to those new moms and semi-new moms, stop worrying about what others think or you perceive they might be thinking about you and your choices. Do YOUR best to raise happy, healthy, socially responsible, thoughtful children and your kid(s) will thrive.

Now, if I can just get past the guilt I put on MYSELF, I’d be home free!

another “I want” posting

Yes, I know… I want I want I want.

But when you’re a mom, you’re surrounded by other people’s wants all day long. “Mom, I want something to drink” .. “Mom, I want to play a game”.. Mom mom mom.

But as you readers might be able to attest to, I’m more than a mom. While being a mom is my #1 priority, I do need more. I need adult interactions, which is why I host a munch. It’s so I can get out at least once a month and talk to other adults. I even attend a party here and there that doesn’t require cupcakes.

So when I say “I want”, it’s because something is missing and I need to fulfill it or else, it will just sit there in the back of my mind, growing. Whether it’s “I want a whopper with fries” or “I want My Man Right Now”, if I don’t get it, I’m likely to get cranky.

So, after last week’s trip to the motel that rather fizzled for me anyways, I told hubby why I’d wanted it in the first place. I wanted one last night, not just of sex, but intimacy – that will last me through the next 4-6 weeks of abstinence. Something to recall and it’ll bring a smile to my face. And while our night in the motel was nice, having contractions whilst someone is giving you all sorts of southern oral attention, and all you can think about isn’t how good it feels, but rather what if your water breaks AT THE VERY MOMENT, it isn’t exactly conducive to a memorable evening of hot, sexy monkey love. (oh god, I can just see the search terms now)

So to reiterate, I WANT one of those nights – sans the contractions, door knocks and 4 trips to the bathroom to pee.

Yeah, I know – I’m REALLY asking for alot now lol

ok, so how about I change my tactics.

I can’t WAIT for…

My body to be my own. So when he runs his fingers over my skin, down over my breasts and to my stomach, I don’t IMMEDIATELY think “did he feel the baby move just then?” When his fingers continue to trail down between my legs, exploring and exciting, I don’t imagine a big gush of amniotic fluid greeting him. Hell, I can’t wait to be able to bend over, for all SORTS of reasons, but I really do miss being able to trail my tongue from his neck to the back of his knees and feel him tremble, listen to his moans and know it’s because of ME.

15 days

• Just 15 days to go until my newest heir to the throne is brought, screaming, into this world. Hard to believe, eh?

• You Were Nice This Year

  You Were 25% Naughty, 75% Nice Okay, so you weren’t *entirely* nice this year But Santa doesn’t expect a modern girl to be perfect You were good enough – and you’ll be rewarded for it

  How Naughty (Or Nice) Were You This Year?

• Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

  Anna Nicole Smith

  Who’s Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

I’m still hoping to hear from someone about a backup blogging site that allows you to import. C’mon people.

• I hope that Melinda got her heat back this weekend.

• Prince was awesome in the superbowl halftime show. He’s still hot after all these years. I actually stood in line at 5am to get tickets for his show 23 years ago.. and they sold out before I got any.

• I taught a one-on-one eBay class yesterday, despite the fact that it was 10 degrees out, and I’m , ya know, 99 months pregnant. But the lady was very appreciative, so that was nice. She even called to make sure I got home ok.

• My mom & dad are coming up for the baby’s birth

• My friend angel is sending me a paddle that’s even got my name on it. I can’t wait.

• Although it wasn’t a holiday, my mom turned 60 this weekend, and my parents also celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary. I can’t possibly fathom that!

• My 3 yr old has officially joined the ranks of the homeschooled.

• My kids keep coming up with names for the baby.

• While I haven’t been able to be particularly kinky for a while, I still have kinky thoughts, so I consider that to be my reason why I keep my blog named this

• Even though we’re expecting a very nice tax refund, I cannot think of more than 2 things that I want to buy when we get the money One of them is a freezer, the other – a *good* frying pan.

• A really awesome homeschooling site – IknowThat.com

• I quit smoking 16 years ago and according to quitnet.com, I’ve saved $60,000.

• I was really upset by this news story about this woman who was refused medical treatment while being arrested, and she miscarried her baby. Now, while she obviously was probably already losing the baby, having to go through that whole night KNOWING it was happening, would be awfully cruel.

• Some people try to guess my password for my password protected postings. I tell them that’s like trying to hack my blog.

• This other story about this couple who had sextuplets and then refused to allow them to have what could have been life-saving medical treatments that would have saved TWO of the babies – also pisses me off. You want them so bad, you do what you have to, religion or not, to SAVE THEM.

• While I can’t wait for my pregnancy to be finished and the baby to be here, I know I’ll miss being pregnant, at least a little bit.

• I have read every single (fiction) book by Koontz, Patterson, King, & Grafton.

• In hindsite, I wish I hadn’t fought so hard to avoid a c-section with my son, thus putting both our lives in danger.

• After almost 12 years, I can say without a doubt that our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been.

• And the sex ain’t bad either

And in case you’re wondering, I’ve just used every category I have on my blog LOL

sleep is highly overrated

So, I was up at 2am because my beautiful little blonde haired girl wanted to come sleep with me because, as she states “I like you, mommy”. How can one say no to this? I did. I said “hey, let’s go sleep in your room!” and followed her back to her room, snuggled up to her and tried to warm her up because her brother had left the window cracked open. It was -7 degrees out. I’m thinking… we don’t need THAT MUCH fresh air. And the beautiful little blonde haired girl does not wear pj’s – nightgowns – or anythign resembling clothing to bed. She absolutely, resolutely refuses. I’m lucky to get a diaper on her (it’s the ONLY ONE she wears all day, so don’t go there), and she’s always been like that. She likes it cool. I keep the thermostat at 65 at night, and we all seem to sleep better. Except when certain 10 yr olds go to bed WITH THE WINDOW OPEN. So anyways, after she drifted back to sleep, I went back to my bed, where I lay there for an hour, decidedly not sleeping. I finally got up, grabbed my laptop and came downstairs. I grabbed the other half of the sandwich I’d made at 10pm, some doritos … because what is turkey without doritos, and parked my ass on the couch for the next 2-1/2 hours surfing blogs, adding a few little things here and there to mine. Decidedly not sleeping.

Finally at 5:30, I made my way back upstairs, and finally went back to sleep. Until 7:30, when I got up to pee and realized my hubby wasn’ t going to make his thermos of something hot to drink because it’s so fucking cold in his office. So I did that. While doing that, realized how HUNGRY I was.. made a bagel and some cocoa. Hubby left, and I parked my ass on the couch, yet again, and here I am. Twiddling my friggin thumbs.

I do like to check my stats on my blogs, and found that you all are finding me through some truly bizarre ways. LOL

kinky adventures	2
angelbrat	2
whipping slavegirl crop cane	1
being domme	1
positions for sex in 9th month pregnancy	1
kinky

I wonder how many folks get to my blog by using one of these search terms and find themselves completely disappointed. I’m guessing quite a few judging by the absolute lack of commenting going on. Ah well Can’t please everyone, I suppose.

I had a rough day yesterday. It was like I was inexplicably infused with an extra dose of pregnancy hormones yesterday morning. And this wasn’t a good thing. I woke up feeling all sorts of aches & pains in my general baby area, which made me nervous and anxious and other -ous words. My children were rather rambunctious, my mother was on the phone *miserable*, and I didn’t know what to DO with myself. I finally decided to park my ass, and did so, only to find myself crying at a news story about a local(ish) woman who finally died after being in critical condition for 2 weeks following a head-on collision with a DOLT in which her unborn child had been killed that day. This 27 yr old woman was on her way to work, and that was it. Lights out. She leaves behind 2 little boys and a husband, and this just hurt me So much. They’ve set up a fund for them, and I’m going to donate just to assuage my own feelings of sorrow. The DOLT in question had been having back pain (welcome to my world, bitch) and was trying to adjust her seat, while driving – and crossed the center lane and hit this woman’s car head on.

Anyways, the later, when my mother called back to check in and let me know how she made out at her dr., I found myself crying AGAIN, mainly because I HATE TO CRY and didn’t know WHY I was crying. Overall, it should have been a good day, dammit. Hubby got hired permanently at a job he’d been temping at for the last 6 months last week, and yesterday was payday. Ya know, just that in itself should make it a good day (with a $2.50/hr raise, hell yeah!) But Noooooo, I cry. Oh, and did I mention the blog posting I made on my Baby Blog yesterday at 3am, about how long distance relationships SUCK – that had me blah all day too. GAWD, do I hate these hormones!!! Hell, they’re not even getting me laid! The last we had any kind of quiet time (my euphamism for sex) was last week, which ended in the every 2 minute contractions. I think he’s scared now. LOL

Speaking of sex, though – I’m having our babysitter come sit for us next week and hubby & I are gonna go check into a hotel for our final … well, ok, not final, but last for several weeks/possibly months, little tryst. I had been planning this for months, but Ithink I’d forgotten to mention it to him, because last night when I did, he was like “uhhh… but can she (the babysitter) stay late?” We don’t plan on staying overnight- but just having those nice, ALL TO OURSELVES hours will be nice, I think… and I’ve made it plain & clear to him that I EXPECT GOOD SEX, dammit. No pressure, huh?

ok, so this post has made no sense, but hey, it’s an update anyways

this is kinda nice

As you may or may not remember, I homeschool my son. I’ve done so since he was born, basically. He’s never attended a regular schoool, and that’s just fine for both of us. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort, on both our parts.Last Spring, my next door neighbor mentioned he was taking his 5 yr old to kindergarten testing.I thought… hmmm, testing for kindergarten??? I asked what that entailed, and he said oh you know, they test them on shapes, colors, abcs, that sort of thing, just to get an idea of where he is.I thought wow… if kindergarden is all about abcs and shapes and colors, and that’s ALL, then umm… what are parents doing with their kids before that?

I bring this up because this weekend, I bought my daughter her first “homeschooler” workbook. This is for preschool, and she’s 3-1/2. She knows her colors. She knows her shapes. She can sing the ABCs and recognizes some numbers. She’s also knows her way around the PC better than my own dad does. Does this mean she’s ready for kindergarten now too?? If that’s the case, in another year and a half, when other parents of these ’03 babies are readying their children to go to kindergarten, where will my daughter be on that learning curve? LOL “Algebra for the 5 yr old” maybe. lol Now this is NOT a smug, my kid is better than your kid post at all. My 10 yr old just started reading this past year. It was a long, arduous struggle that seemed to take forever. He still has problems with addition/subtraction in his head but LOVES things like geometry, fractions and now the times tables. So no, my kid isn’t doing algebra for the 10 yr old, but that’s not what this post is about either. I am just thinking it’s kinda nice that, without even really trying hard, these things are already instilled in my daughter – as they were with my son, but he was a little older. I’m asking an genuine question to my readers, although as in times past, I know better than to expect *any* answers… but what did/does your 3-4 year old do? Does he/she know this stuff? Would they be bored, as mine apparently already is, with these worksheets asking her to color in just the squares, etc.? Now, I KNOW she’s not a baby genius LOL I just wonder, where is she on the developmental curve along with others her age. Oh, and does he/she use words like “actually”? LOL

Christmas past & present

On Thanksgiving, my hubby gave the t-giving toast like this: “Here’s to our last Thanksgiving as a family of 4, and to the rest as a family of 5″.Simple, huh?But it’s amazing. One second – one milisecond and you’re a family of5. As I sit here staring at my growing belly, listening to my daughter sleep behind me…my son asleep inhis room, their daddy on the couch because the little blonde girl crawled in with mom. The one in my belly churning, waking up with the tea I have been drinking… and now the hiccups start LOL (The baby’s… not mine) Hubby’s & my first Christmas came in November of 1995. He’d traveled 12 hours north on the Amtrak. I’d booked a cabin in the mountains of New Hampshire, never dreaming we’d live there years later. I brought one of those little table-top Christmas trees and some various oils & lotions. I waited on that platform for what seemed like forever, but finally, he was there! Now, it was colder than hell, and when we arrived at the cabin, it was dark. We settled in, and I made dinner. We got a fire going in the fireplace, and we had dinner by candlelight. It was truly something out of a book, a movie or a dream. We had a lovely evening, complete with those lotions & oils, and woke the next morning to a beautiful winter wonderland. It had snowed, and the wind had taken the power out (during dinner, as I recall). Well, the problem with losing the power was that the power-operated water pump wouldn’t work either. I.e. no water *at all*. We wound up driving to a diner for the potty and the breakfast – itchy from the lotions & oils LOL Two months later, I’d moved down to TN and finished our first Christmas together. I still wear the bracelet he gave me that day. I think I just threw the last pair of silk boxers I gave him away last month. From those funny, humble beginnings to a family of 5. Wow. Now our Christmas is centered around our children. We plan and plot about what we want for them, and how and when and where to get it. But the best part about that was my son coming to me earlier this month and saying to me “Mom, I don’t care if it’s not a big Christmas this year”. My 10 year old! Little does he know, it’s not an issue this year, thankfully. However, knowing that he isn’t looking for the big payoff of Christmas, is the best present of all.

food, family & fun… ahhhhh

The reward for patience.  The weather sucked this weekend – at least most of it, it did.  Our patience was rewarded, though, on Sunday night when we were presented with this beautiful sunset.

NEVER stay at the Meadowbrook Hotel in Portsmouth, NH – NEVER.

On Friday, we endured cloudy skies and the occasional raindrop but brought the kids to the ocean and we spent a while exploring the rocks and tidal pools that’d been left behind after high tide.

Saturday was spent by me all day in my eBay class. It rained buckets & buckets. Hubby & kids explored a nearby submarine museum and mall.  Saturdya night, we went to dinner. 

    Sunday brought more rain in the AM, but by the time we headed out down to Downtown Portsmouth, it’d cleared up partially.  We checked out the docks and found this huge ship being unloaded (they’d been doing it since Friday) – an amazing process to watch – they were unloading sand!  Sunday (which was our anniversary) brought us some amazing seafood right there on those same docks for lunch, swimming at the pool at the hotel and and then we headed down to the beach to watch the sunset (see above).  It was a really gorgeous day and it really was nice to spend it with them all (not just hubby).  What a difference a year makes! 

Last year’s anniversary left a little to be desired, to say the least.

Anyways, we had also gone to dinner in between everything else – and so finally, when we got back to the room, everyone was wiped out.  Showers later, we all fell into bed exhausted. Hubby & I exchanged cards after the kids were asleep, talked some, and then finally went to sleep (can you beLIEVE that? LOL) – but it was OK – I got him the next morning

   Monday morning, hubby had a job interview and then we hit the beach for REAL this time.  I’ve missed jumping the waves and trying not to drown and so this was fun. I even got my son to venture in with me for a brief time before, of course, he got overtaken by a wave to the face and left the beach LOL

We headed home and so now, here we are. Zzzzzzzzz… still worn out.

Happy Anniversary to my favorite ma’an

The definition of the perfect man.

noun. “hahahahaha are you nuts? no one is perfect”

Ok, so it’s true, no one is perfect – but mine is pretty close, today anyways Our baby girl woke up this morning, after having a pukey night, with a very nasty diaper. MY man grabbed the wipes and diaper and changed her before I even had to ask.

For a pregnant chick, that’s as close to perfect as you can get LOL

Another year

Happy Birthday to my baby girl, who turns 3 today. They’re both sick as dogs, though, and the things spewing forth are not which you want to know about. But suffice it to say, I’ve been a very busy chick.

I wrote about her more last year here. I hope she has a good day today, but if my son’s awakening is any indication, we might just have to hold off the celebration till tomorrow. *sniffle*

Thanks for the congrats on the blogging thing, btw I do enjoy it alot.

That’s it for me. I did want to mention, I started a new herbal this week, and also managed to find some time alone with hubby a couple of times (yum), AND been getting a better night’s sleep, so my happy factor’s been up there quite good. I’m hoping it’s not a combination of everything, cuz god knows, that’s difficult. But in any case, it was a good week. How weird is that? LOL

fun fun fun

So, my youngest is moving into the nice plague-type thing my son is recovering from. She wakes up with a 102 fever. There’s nothing more pathetic than a baby that’s sick. Truly. Just in time, of course, for her grandparents & uncle (the good, non-evil ones) to come visit this weekend, of course. So I have a bucket to the side of the bed, just in case, and motrin on board, and my fingers crossed.

Things have been OK… we’ve been working our asses off, trying to get things moving as far as business is concerned. Booking classes, creating ads, flyers, brochures, cards.. you name it, we’ve been doing it. I’m hoping it pays off, because if not, we’re screwed – yet again. I did have a new client, doing on-site computer trainig, but that ended this week, so now we’re back to NO money coming in. Hopefully, that’ll change soon, since she was so happy with what I did for her, she’ll be recommending me around the company. Keep your fingers crossed!

I’m finishing up with 60+ eBay auctions that I did for my ex. Almost everything sold, so far, I’m happy to say. Now to just get these people to LEAVE MY FEEDBACK!!!

I know, I’m always wanting SOMETHING lol

like money, sex, money… (not all together, of course)