problems

In August of 2002, I was working full time at Walmart in the grill. This entailed the usual stuff, like cooking, taking orders, and cleaning. One night, I was washing the floor (industrial size mop) and felt my back wretch. It hurt but I kept going, and for a few days it remained sore. Finally unable to handle the pain after working all day, I came home and was going to take a muscle relaxer but because my periods were never regular, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to make sure it was safe to take the muscle relaxer.

It was then & there that I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter.

I continued working and in October/November, realized that a portion of my face was going numb. Then it was my arm. I called my OB who told me to see my regular MD. I went to see her and she suggested that perhaps there were problems with my discs in my neck/back, particularly since two areas were affected – both upper body and now, my leg as well. She suggested that I try physical therapy, and that after I had the baby, we’d get an MRI to see what was going on. SO I went for physical therapy, but they were limited with what they could do because I was pregnant. It didn’t do any good, and I stopped going. The numbness continued, and after I had the baby in April, I went back to my dr. who had by then changed her tune, saying it was probably the baby sitting in a bad spot, and that the numbness would go away.

Then I lost my health insurance (the State only covers you up to 8 weeks post partum)

5 years later, the numbness remains and has spread to most areas of my body. It’s not really a NUMBNESS as in pins & needles but more of a loss of sensation, like I’m wearing a 2^nd skin.

Earlier this year, we finally got health insurance again and after I recovered from having my son, I went to another Dr. to talk about this loss of sensation. She wanted to see if we could figure it out as non-invasively as possible and told me to take some B12, as sometimes a lack of B12 would cause circulatory problems. It didn’t help. Then I hurt my neck/back (by walking up the stairs) and she sent me for xrays. The xray showed that I have a “straightening in the natural curvature” of my neck, and she sent me to a chiropractor. The chiropractor adjusted me a few times and wound up setting off problems in my teeth! So I stopped seeing him and worked on getting my teeth fixed. But from then on, my neck hurt pretty much all the time. Finally, my teeth problems were fixed for the most part, I went back to my Dr. to talk about my l-o-s again and she finally decided to get an MRI of my neck (and my brain). The day of, I found out that they’d need to inject me with dye to do my brain so I backed out of that one because I’m nursing my son. But I went ahead and had my neck done. Last week, she called to tell me that I have 3 bulging discs in my neck (c3/4, c5/6 and c6/7), and that one appears to be moving laterally (i.e. towards my spinal cord), so she was getting me a referral to a neurosurgeon at Dartmouth Medical Center because she feared if we let it go too long, there’d be permanent damage.

In the interim weeks since I saw the Dr., I’ve had a major increase in pain in my arms and neck, and my lower back (sacral/sciatic) is almost constant a well. I’ve also developed what I call a twitch. Just about any time I am in a laying down position, whether on my side or back, after just a minute or two, some area of my body will jump, like a muscle spasm. It might be my arm, finger, shoulder, the muscles in my back, my knee, thigh, calf. It’s bizarre to say the least and reminds me of Michael J Fox, which of course then scares me. I reported these changes to the Dr. last week, who relayed back that she thought maybe one of the discs might be “impinging” on the cord.

The only thing I take for the pain is ibuprofen and it doesn’t actually do anything, so I just haven’t bothered to take anything. I have been trying to take it easy, but that’s not easy with 3 kids and a house to take care of. For the last several days, I’ve been getting up at 5am just because I can’t go back to sleep after my son finishes nursing.

So today, I’m waiting (still) for a call from Dartmouth telling me when my appointment is to go talk with this Dr. who will look at my films and examine me and figure this out, hopefully.

I need some good vibes sent my way because I’m finding it hard to stay upbeat, to say the least. It’s hard to keep the “what-if’s” at bay, and I cannot get the image of the chiropractor’s “adjustments” out of my head, now knowing what I know about my spinal cord being “impinged”.

I’ll be working on finishing up the new site this week, barring any unscheduled trips to the OR.

yet another reason why I’m proud to be an American (most of the time)

China to launch Virtual Web Patrols

In other news, still working on the new domain.  I learned how to make my own wordpress themes this weekend, so now I can fix the one I like and will WHEN I GET 30 MINUTES TO MYSELF.  Not an easy task, when you’re the head EVERYTHING.  Thanks to all 3 of you who asked to see a preview, though. I feel loved. heh.

Maturity

I suppose that after 12 years, it’s more than obvious that what may have been there once, a very long time ago is not there anymore with my ex-husband. But what I’ve come to realize in just the last few days is how little there ever really was, when I compare my relationship to my (now) hubby with what I recall I had with ex.

It just amazes me that I was ever attracted to him at all. LOL

Because now he … and I don’t mean this to sound mean, but he repulses me LOL Time just hasn’t been good to him (not that I’m saying in ANY way that it’s been good to me either), but it’s not just the physical changes. I guess it’s just really shown me how much better suited I am to my favorite ma’an (even with his challenging faults LOL) and how much I love him, perhaps because of those faults. Even after 12 years, his breath on my neck still gives me shivers. Even after 12 years, a single touch and I’m like jello. Maybe not ALL THE TIME – because of my own physical issues – but emotionally, I’m still so much more HIS than I ever was the other guy.

Maybe it’s a matter of maturity. I grew up with the other guy, and so for that time in my life, that was ok. But growing up with someone and growing old with someone are two totally different things, and I’m so very very glad that I got them in the right order. LOL

So for all my bitching and complaining about my hubby, I also have to say how much he still knocks my socks off in all the right ways (except when he’s pissing me off LOL)

Hey, can you tell the Zoloft is working? LOL

and on a totally separate note – can someone tell me what the hell would have been the attraction between Bill and Nicki on Big Love?? PLEASE? LOL

and this is the description for this week’s episode – can someone tell me when they started letting 4th graders write for them?

Rebuffed by Barb, Bill asks Margene to accompany him to a Bar Owner’s trade convention. But when how will Bill justify Margene presence when they run into a old acquantance there?

life in the slow/fast/slow/fast/slow lane

Whether you’ve noticed or not, I haven’t blogged much.  At least not here. I’ve blogged like a mad woman over at the fam blog.  But I censor myself there, and I don’t have to here.

My relationship with hubby seems to be falling to shit once again.  I’m depressed. I have health issues that I either can’t fix, or can’t afford to fix. I’m angry at the stupid weather.  I’m angry that my 4yr old can piss me off so quickly, and elicit a reaction that she’s obviously yearning for, and I give it to her. 

I was told 2 months ago that I’m depressed, that I can take something to help me get through it – that it probably wouldn’t take long.  But hubby flipped his fucking LID over the idea, and because everything I fucking DO is for him, mostly, I didn’t take them.  He flipped bcause he’s known “people” on antidepressants before, and they were zoned out, made rash decisions, blah blah fucking blah.  Oh, and of course, what’s the effects on our son, whom I’m exclusively breastfeeding?

Oh, I don’t know – maybe the effects of me ALWAYS BEING MISERABLE AND ALWAYS YELLING AT HIS SIBLINGS – that might do something, too.

And I talk to him about it – yes, I most certianly do. Trying to keep those lines of communication open – that’s Me. Ms. Graham fuckin Bell.  And the results?

“Well, I’m depressed too.  We live in a depressed part of the country. I have a dead-end job. We have nothing to look forward to.”

Gee

I’m all warm & fuzzy now.

He can be so close-minded about things, there’s no way in hell I could get him into counseling.  So I say well, research this – figure out where to move where it’s not so damned shitty.

I give him all the fucking power.

I hate that I do this because it looks like FLIPPY is coming back and you know what? I was really starting to dislike him… severely.

It happens when he starts to dislike his job.  Which is, frequently, frequent.  The people are stupid, the boss is stupid, blahblahblah.  He’s doing a job he dislikes to begin with.  Well, guess WHAT?  Shit happens.

sigh

I apparently have a severely infected tooth or teeth that need to come out like YESTERDAY, according to the dentist. The infection could cause nerve damage, they tell me.  The news story tells me it could go to my brain & kill me.  I’m now on antibiotics, but I’m hedging on having them pulled because of the money.  The insurance company has a ONE YEAR waiting period on surgical extractions -which these are because they’re broken off at the gumline – because, you know… I like pain.

yah

And hubby’s idea of us alternating, one week he gets to decide what we’re going to do (in bed), and the next week is my choice… has really turned into a bad idea.  This weekend was my turn, and I felt OBLIGATED to have sex with him – sex during which he only touched me very briefly except for his dick.  Sex that I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  Sex that was so completely unsatisfying … there’s not even a word for.  I felt OBLIGATED.  What the fuck is up with that? 

I just don’t like him right now.

I don’t like me either, just to be fair.

It pisses me off to think I’ll have to wean my son so I can go get a fucking (stupid ass, low-paying retail or tourism) job so he can stay home and play with his dick music all day long.

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just blahhhhh

I know I have been ignoring my blogging duties here.  I’ve been blogging like a madwoman over at my other blog, but have really had nothing even remotely adult to share with you here.

I’m back to my blahhhhhs.

The sex has dried up due to really annoying illnesses, first on his part and now on mine.

I went to the dentist on Monday for the first time in 5 years [thanks to newly purchased dental insurance].  While his assessment didn’t surprise me, the bill [fucking OUCH] did. And then of course, that night, my teeth, which weren’t hurting BEFORE I went to the dentist, sure as hell did after.  Then the allergies kicked in, filling my sinuses and making every movement of my head hurt, making my teeth throb.   I’ve been a mess ever since.

Fuck, ya know?

The fucking idiot that did the HR duties at my hubbies work, because she wasn’t doing her job CORRECTLY back in February, put us onto the medical/dental benefits that we signed up for RETROACTIVELY, which EFFECTIVELY knocked me off of medicaid.  We didn’t know anything about this, though, until last Friday when I called my OB’s office to see why I’d gotten a freakin BILL for his services (although he only assisted).  Turns out that there’s a watchdog group out there that watches to make sure there’s no dual insurance shit going on.  They found ours, popped my ass off of medicaid and handed all the bills to the paid medical insurance company [that I won't name for fear of defammation lawsuits].  So now I’m getting CO-PAYS on everything, and of course, you also have to pay the FIRST co-pay of $500 per person per calendar year, and then after that, they’ll cover you on some stuff UP TO 80%.  Yippee fucking doo-dah.  So for some $320 a MONTH, they’ll do that nifty stuff for ya.

Thanks. a. whole. fucking. lot.

[I wonder how many google hits I get just for using the word FUCKING so much]

Then, of course, the “estimate” for my teeth. Ha. fucking. HA.  I went and looked it up in the “manual” to see just how much of this FUCKING bill will cost us.

Four extractions (because my amalgam fillings shrunk, allowing bacteria into the tooth base, causing further deterioration, causing the filling to fall out, the tooth to break and leave large, unsightly tooth bases in my mouth, making me look Oh So Pretty)… 3 of those are like that – those are $200-$245 each (we have to pay 20%).  Plus the nitrous that I’ve requested, not covered all, an extra $200.  That’s roughly $480.  Yes, that’s not bad when you consider it totals $1600!!!   Then, consider he wants to put in cadaver bone to fill in the space where those 3 teeth are coming out of, to preserve the ridge so I can be fitted for partials (which I have to wait 12 months for), that’s an addition $1150 – none of which is covered by insurance.

Then let’s talk about the  perio work I need, admittedly.  Doesn’t this sound exciting – scaling & root planning. WOohoo.  another $1290 and ya know, bi-weekly visits for 10 fucking weeks, accompanied by repeated anesthesia shots (which I’d rather have a fucking spinal than have these) and ya know… keeping in mind that I have TMJ and can’t keep my fucking MOUTH OPEN THAT LONG.  Sigh.

SO, to say that I’m not in a good mood is an understatement.  That shit that went down with my family is still unresolved.  I’m not getting any.  My house is a mess, the fuckers are making us get our own electrical account (which had been included in our rent since we moved in) at a cost of whoever knows how much per month PLUS the $130 we have to give the electric company as a deposit.  Oh, but they’re taking $45 a month off our rent.

Big. Fucking. Deal!!!!!

My husband is making more than he ever has in his life, and yet here we are, struggling still.  The only way to get out of this is for me to get a friggin job, I swear, and then what do I do with MY THREE CHILDREN.

I went to my Dr. yesterday to follow up on the fact that the b12 wasn’t working, the numbness/loss of sensation is still there, and oh yeah, I’m still depressed.

Can’t Imagine Why.

She wants me to get out of the house and interact with other adults, even once a week. Sure.  No problem – as long as I can be back in ya know, 90 minutes to feed the youngest.

Fuck. Ya know?

I moved my other blog, and I’m pissed off with the template and can’t figure out how to change it so that every freakin line isn’t 1.5 spaced. It doesn’t recognize line returns/paragraphs <p> so it’s hard to read, and just fucking. grrrr.

I know, I’m ranting. Seriously, get the fuck over it if it’s bothering you.

Plus, I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this, but have you noticed that when you’re not having sex, it’s really hard to get the motivation to WANT to have sex again? Like, it’s just too much effort?

What the hell.

various stuffs

• My baby boy turns 100 days old today. Hard to believe it’s gone that fast.
• That damned bug bite, and the 5 others I had, itched like a mofo for four freakin days.
• I just spent several days moving my baby blog – turned family blog, to one of my own domains and will probably do the same for this blog once I decide on a domain name.
• I got stopped the other day (expired inspection sticker) and damn, the Statie was cute.
• No, I didn’t proposition him.
• Yes, I got a ticket but won’t have to pay it if I can get the car inspected by Sunday
• Apparently, Donald Trump got pissy because NBC decided not to put The Apprentice on the Fall schedule, and went all Rosie on them, deciding not to do the show at all anymore. Does that mean NBC is Fired? And more importantly, does ANYONE care???
• Another post-partum woman decided to off her kids and, thankfully, herself – and one of the kids – the newest one – survived THE HANGING. All I can imagine is what that little girl is gonna think when she gets older.

update on the experiment

Well, what a week! You may recall that on Tuesday, I told hubby he wasn’t going to cum that night.

The next day, we talked and I told him I’d like to try to get him to Saturday, which was “my night” to decide what we were going to do … sexually. He said “ok”

heh

I’d also wanted to see if him not having that release would make him more randy, playful, needy, etc. SOMETHING.

Unfortunately for me, no. But something else happened that made the “work” so worth it anyways.

Every night this week – Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, we had sex. Or at least sexual activity. Each of those nights ended with me having one or more orgasms reliably – every night. And one afternoon, I even got flipped around and had my shorts yanked down so he could fuck me during his lunch break! Of course, this is becuase I’ve been teasing him mercilessly

But this whole cumming every time, and sometimes more than once, hasn’t happened in a very very long time. I’m always hit or miss, especially after having the baby. It’s been alot more miss.

He also let me know that it didn’t bother him not cuming, that he could do that all the time.

*evil grin* Oh reallllly?

He also managed to find yet another way to make me cum… ya know, all those different types of orgasms… yeah, we found another winner. Damn, did we ever.

Last night, he finally came and now next week it’s his turn… but like I said, it didn’t have the desired effect that I’d wanted in that whole … more affection/attention area, but it seems to also have relieved alot of the depression I’d been feeling for a while. I’ve felt so much better this week – it’s not a conscious effort to be happy or at least *not* blah this week, so that was a HUGE help.

so yay for us… and thanks to Sexy Momma and her hubby for the inspiration.

Nature hates me (or… there goes my chances for getting on Survivor)

No – seriously, it does.

The new photo on my blog header was taken today at this beautiful, serene lake about 10 minutes from home. We got there early, got a nice spot with lots of shade, but near enough to the beach to be able to watch the kids play in the sand.

10 minutes into our little outing, I got BIT. I got bit by some asshole bug horsefly wannabe. I watched the damned thing happen. This is what happened to my hand:

I got bit no less than 7 times in the 5 hours we were there. My baby boy got bit once. The other THREE people in our little party – ya know, the man & two other kidlets? NOTHING. Not that I wish they would have, but WTF.

So then, there we are, sitting at our kitchen table, eating the banana splits that I bribed promised everyone if we could PLEASE LEAVE THIS GODFORSAKEN BUG FEST once we left the beach, hubby came up behind my chair and I asked him if I’d gotten sunburnt, because my shoulder kind of felt like it had.

THERE WAS A FUCKING TICK SUCKING MY BLOOD OUT, that’s why it felt weird.

Nature hates me.

Breaking Taboos

ABC’s 20/20 on Friday night featured a look at what’s taboo these days. I found myself the ‘object’ of many of the taboos that they discussed, and found it rather funny LOL

As a plus-sized woman, I’ve always felt rather … odd to be with an average sized guy. I have always felt like we were being looked at when we’re out in public, holding hands, obviously a couple. Well, not so much since we now have the 3 kids, mainly because we’re never alone LOL But yeah, I’ve always wondered what others thought … the woman on the program also identified that, saying she felt judged by others in that dynamic.

So I took the question to hubby. Did he ever feel like people stared at us, wondering what a guy like him was doing with someone so obviously not in his league. He just laughed, said he figured they’d be staring, wondering the opposite. What was I doing with someone so obviously not in MY league. Kinda the same, though, I think.  It made me wonder if it’s just a fat female thing, the insecurities.  Who knows.

Next up were couples where the man stayed home with the kids while the wife worked. It was on purpose – they wanted it that way. It wasn’t out of necessity. We’ve been there too, briefly. I worked and supported us while hubby stayed at home with our son for about 18 months, before & while pregnant with our daughter. People assumed that he just couldn’t find a job or didn’t want to work. It wouldn’t compute for people that we liked it that way.

Also as part of the whole oddness of couples, they mentioned couples where one partner was nicer looking than the other – been there, done that.  I think hubby is much better looking than he believes, and again, wonder what in the hell he sees in me. 

They also tossed out how finding love on the internet used to be taboo. Been there, done that. 

Ah, and moms who aren’t the Suzie Sunshine when it comes to being a stay at home mom and all the boring stuff that that entails, and how TABOO it is to talk about it.  LOL Not since blogging, thankfully.  Does it make someone a bad mom to say she doesn’t like all the aspects of parenthood? I don’t think so, but maybe it’s because I’ve broken that taboo too.

Oh and divorce… yeah, that used to be a taboo too. LOL been there, done that.

That’s me – Taboo Breakin Bitch Calliah

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grumbles

So, the same crap I was experiencing last year with the numbness/loss of sensation has actually gotten worse – my dr. thinks it could be related to a low b-12 level, so I’m gonna try that.  But it’s really pissing me off – now is the time when my life is getting back on a somewhat even keel.  The baby is sleeping better, so therefore, so am I.  The breastfeeding thing has gotten better, so I’m not miserable or sore all the time.  The surgery sites have healed, so again, not sore. Soo what the hell.  When we do get together, apparently I don’t respond enough for him, so his attention span sort of wanes… it just bites.

I’m annoyed at my body, again. As usual, I suppose.  It’s so damned frustrating.   Hubby keeps insisting it’s his fault – he’s out of shape, or he’s lost his touch, etc.  He just doesn’t GET IT that it’s a physiological problem with me – which also causes an emotional thing with me… My head can’t work around it.

Have I mentioned This Sucks.

Big time.