Who am I missing?

Ok, so admittedly I’ve been a bad blogger. I haven’t been updating much, and I haven’t been reading much.  I was working on the new site today and went through my blogrolling blog and about 1/2 of those old bloggers I used to read are GONE.  I’m sure, though, that they’ve been replaced by many, many new bloggers, so tell me - who are you reading and why?  Thanks

look out parents…

Mingle² - Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* fucking (19x)
* fuck (13x)
* sex (11x)
* cum (3x)
* sexy (2x)
* asshole (1x)

LOL

Well, FUCK me! I’m NC-17.. which makes total sense! rotflmao

just blahhhhh

I know I have been ignoring my blogging duties here.  I’ve been blogging like a madwoman over at my other blog, but have really had nothing even remotely adult to share with you here.

I’m back to my blahhhhhs.

The sex has dried up due to really annoying illnesses, first on his part and now on mine.

I went to the dentist on Monday for the first time in 5 years [thanks to newly purchased dental insurance].  While his assessment didn’t surprise me, the bill [fucking OUCH] did. And then of course, that night, my teeth, which weren’t hurting BEFORE I went to the dentist, sure as hell did after.  Then the allergies kicked in, filling my sinuses and making every movement of my head hurt, making my teeth throb.   I’ve been a mess ever since.

Fuck, ya know?

The fucking idiot that did the HR duties at my hubbies work, because she wasn’t doing her job CORRECTLY back in February, put us onto the medical/dental benefits that we signed up for RETROACTIVELY, which EFFECTIVELY knocked me off of medicaid.  We didn’t know anything about this, though, until last Friday when I called my OB’s office to see why I’d gotten a freakin BILL for his services (although he only assisted).  Turns out that there’s a watchdog group out there that watches to make sure there’s no dual insurance shit going on.  They found ours, popped my ass off of medicaid and handed all the bills to the paid medical insurance company [that I won't name for fear of defammation lawsuits].  So now I’m getting CO-PAYS on everything, and of course, you also have to pay the FIRST co-pay of $500 per person per calendar year, and then after that, they’ll cover you on some stuff UP TO 80%.  Yippee fucking doo-dah.  So for some $320 a MONTH, they’ll do that nifty stuff for ya.

Thanks. a. whole. fucking. lot.

[I wonder how many google hits I get just for using the word FUCKING so much]

Then, of course, the “estimate” for my teeth. Ha. fucking. HA.  I went and looked it up in the “manual” to see just how much of this FUCKING bill will cost us.

Four extractions (because my amalgam fillings shrunk, allowing bacteria into the tooth base, causing further deterioration, causing the filling to fall out, the tooth to break and leave large, unsightly tooth bases in my mouth, making me look Oh So Pretty)… 3 of those are like that - those are $200-$245 each (we have to pay 20%).  Plus the nitrous that I’ve requested, not covered all, an extra $200.  That’s roughly $480.  Yes, that’s not bad when you consider it totals $1600!!!   Then, consider he wants to put in cadaver bone to fill in the space where those 3 teeth are coming out of, to preserve the ridge so I can be fitted for partials (which I have to wait 12 months for), that’s an addition $1150 - none of which is covered by insurance.

Then let’s talk about the  perio work I need, admittedly.  Doesn’t this sound exciting - scaling & root planning. WOohoo.  another $1290 and ya know, bi-weekly visits for 10 fucking weeks, accompanied by repeated anesthesia shots (which I’d rather have a fucking spinal than have these) and ya know… keeping in mind that I have TMJ and can’t keep my fucking MOUTH OPEN THAT LONG.  Sigh.

SO, to say that I’m not in a good mood is an understatement.  That shit that went down with my family is still unresolved.  I’m not getting any.  My house is a mess, the fuckers are making us get our own electrical account (which had been included in our rent since we moved in) at a cost of whoever knows how much per month PLUS the $130 we have to give the electric company as a deposit.  Oh, but they’re taking $45 a month off our rent.

Big. Fucking. Deal!!!!!

My husband is making more than he ever has in his life, and yet here we are, struggling still.  The only way to get out of this is for me to get a friggin job, I swear, and then what do I do with MY THREE CHILDREN.

I went to my Dr. yesterday to follow up on the fact that the b12 wasn’t working, the numbness/loss of sensation is still there, and oh yeah, I’m still depressed.

Can’t Imagine Why.

She wants me to get out of the house and interact with other adults, even once a week. Sure.  No problem - as long as I can be back in ya know, 90 minutes to feed the youngest.

Fuck. Ya know?

I moved my other blog, and I’m pissed off with the template and can’t figure out how to change it so that every freakin line isn’t 1.5 spaced. It doesn’t recognize line returns/paragraphs <p> so it’s hard to read, and just fucking. grrrr.

I know, I’m ranting. Seriously, get the fuck over it if it’s bothering you.

Plus, I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this, but have you noticed that when you’re not having sex, it’s really hard to get the motivation to WANT to have sex again? Like, it’s just too much effort?

What the hell.

Goodbye Tony Soprano, we’ll miss you… heLLO Big Love! :D

YES, I admit it - I LOVE Tony Soprano.  James Gandolfini is just hot, in my book.  But specifically, as Tony, he’s awesome. I’m gonna miss him. *sniffle*

 However…

Big Love comes back on tonight.  Woohoo!  How hard is it to be THAT guy, 3 wives, 3 houses, 8? kids.  Nope, wouldn’t want to be him LOL (pms x 3… No Thanks)

 And Rescue Me comes back this week too.  Dennis Leary is another of those guys you love to hate.   And of course, The Shield ended last week.  oh, but I do like me some Michael Chiklis. 

If you watch any and all of these shows, you’ll notice one thing holds true for all these guys.

They like sex. They like it raw, hard and fast.

Geez, all these bad boys, is it any wonder I’m sharing my life with my own bad boy?

I’d like to see Tony Soprano down on his knees, though… begging to be allowed to kiss my foot

Technorati Tags: sopranos, big love, the shield, rescue me, bad boys, sex, michael chiklis, james gandolfini, denis leary,

Nature hates me (or… there goes my chances for getting on Survivor)

No - seriously, it does.

The new photo on my blog header was taken today at this beautiful, serene lake about 10 minutes from home. We got there early, got a nice spot with lots of shade, but near enough to the beach to be able to watch the kids play in the sand.

10 minutes into our little outing, I got BIT. I got bit by some asshole bug horsefly wannabe. I watched the damned thing happen. This is what happened to my hand:

I got bit no less than 7 times in the 5 hours we were there. My baby boy got bit once. The other THREE people in our little party - ya know, the man & two other kidlets? NOTHING. Not that I wish they would have, but WTF.

So then, there we are, sitting at our kitchen table, eating the banana splits that I bribed promised everyone if we could PLEASE LEAVE THIS GODFORSAKEN BUG FEST once we left the beach, hubby came up behind my chair and I asked him if I’d gotten sunburnt, because my shoulder kind of felt like it had.

THERE WAS A FUCKING TICK SUCKING MY BLOOD OUT, that’s why it felt weird.

Nature hates me.

a new toy for the bedroom

LOL Put your minds back where they belong, you bunch of pervs.

I’m talking about THIS:

It’s really neat - you plug it in and watch those little suckers work their little legs to the bone LOL

When you have a minute, go to youtube.com and google antworks.  It’s amazing what they can do

Well, I’m back

The weekend was … well, all that I expected, I guess. Flippy can be such an incredible bastard at times, and this weekend, apparently, was his time. I know I should have remembered that it’s a full moon and he’s always pissy around now.

And one of these days, I’ll get it through my thick skull that just because something is important to me doesn’t mean it’s important to him. Anniversaries included. My birthday barely merits a “Happy Birthday” some years. Other years, he does care. Same with Mother’s Day. Valentine’s Day. You know… all those GIRL holidays.

Sigh.

I’m really so fucking stupid sometimes. I thought our 10th was a big occasion. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but before Flippy & I got together, the longest he’d ever been in a relationship was 3 months. And as you know, I wasn’t exactly looking for a lifelong committment when I flew down there to meet him. I was looking for fun. I found more.

Unfortunately, I can’t turn my girl brain off. I can’t turn those expectations off. I’ve tried. I really have. But my brain doesn’t care. Or maybe it’s my heart. What the fuck ever.

Sigh.

I’m also pretty sick of this whole “looking for acceptance” thing. Everywhere in my life, it seems I’m looking for acceptance. WHY? Who the fuck cares if I’m accepted? Who the fuck cares that I’ve lost 24 lbs in 2 months by giving up stuff that I really LIKE, in order to try to live a better, healthier and longer life. Who the fuck cares if I’ve lost 21 inches off my body from various places.

I created a new name and new blog when I started the whole low-carb thing. But because I’d posted my real & true measurements, I didn’t share it with my blog readers here. I am /was very embarrassed. Because some of my real-life friends read this blog too. The ones who’ll never see anything more than they ever have of me, but don’t care, they like me any way. They’ve seen me “skinnier”, after I had my daughter. And I know they’ve noticed the weight gain that came flooding back after I settled back into a stay-at-home lifestyle. And I really do appreciate them for it.

The new blog is a collaboration with 3 other women who have been struggling with the same things as I have, for a long time. We support each other and cheer each other on, even when the ones closest to us don’t seem to give a shit. I really appreciate their help.

I’m rambling, and I don’t care.

I realized that even in writing this blog, I’ve been censoring what I share because of what people might think. I check the damned thing several times a day, just to see if anyone’s commented. It’s ridiculous to think I need acceptance for the drivel I write from total strangers whom I’ll never meet. I need to have my head examined!

Anyways, in addition to the low-carb thing, I’ve also found some control in my house. Control, as in I am not afraid that someone will drop in because my house is a mess. Control, as in I do not have to worry (most of the time) that my daughter will get into something bad or gross or dangerous if she’s left alone for more than a few minutes. Because my house is clean, and getting clutter-free, I feel better about my abilities as a(n) (un)wife and mother. I don’t feel like such a fuck-up. I blog about that too. In my other blog.

The whole DOMME thing gets in the way sometimes, I’ll tell ya. DOMMES are supposed to be in control of their own lives. How can they control someone else if they can’t get their own shit together. Another reason why I hid behind the other blog. I’ve always admitted to hating housework. But I don’t hate it anymore, because I can keep a handle on it. Why am I hiding?

I started this blog because it was cathartic to me to just write, without worrying about what anyone thought because I didn’t know anyone. They didn’t know me.

Well, now you do. Whether you come back or not, of course, is your own decision. But be warned, this will be a no-more-bullshit zone. No more sugar-coating.

And yes, believe it or not, I have been sugarcoating things lol

So the weekend was not horrible, but it was stressful, as usual. Any time we go down to spend time with my family, it’s stressful because Flippy doesn’t LIKe the fact that I go to them. It doesn’t matter that Flippy’s family has never and will never come to see us. Never. I can say that as surely as I can tell you my name. My family, at least some of them, have made the trip a few times. My parents, one of my brothers. They’ve done it. They will do it again, I know. And that’ll never be enough for him. Nor will the fact that I’ll never be the person worth marrying. Yes, folks, we’re not married legally. He won’t marry me unless we live where he grew up. Tennessee, while beautiful, is not someplace I want to live and raise my kids. Sorry Charlie. A ring and a new last name isn’t worth it to me. But ask me where MY self-worth is.

Fucker.

It’ll never matter to him that I’ll always feel less-than to him. That’s another one of those things that will nag me until I decide I’ve had enough. Probably in another 16 yrs, when my daughter turns 18.

Ok, I’ve done enough bullshitting for now. I’ll probably rant more later, but for now, I need to get back to my house. Thanks for visiting.

Our Song

“If I Were You”
Collin RayeYou wanna know
where we go from here
So many roads,
but none that seem clear
Is it what we have enough
to last a whole life through?

Who knows
Baby, who knows

So you’re asking me what do we do?
cuz time moves so fast
and the chances seem so few
Is it too much to think
that we could have it all?

Who knows
We may never know

But if I were you, I’d promise to
live life for all it’s worth
take all that you’ve been given and
leave your mark upon this earth

Trust your heart to show you
everything you’ll ever need
and if I were you
I’d fall in love with me.

So hold me close
I’ll kiss away your fears
I won’t promise the moon
but I promise to be here
and what if together
it gets better every day

Who knows?
Baby, who knows

But if I were you,
I’d promise to
live life for all it’s worth
take all that you’ve been given
and leave your mark upon this earth

trust your heart to show you
everything you’ll ever need
and if I were you
I’d fall in love with me

But if I were you
I’d promise to
live life for all it’s worth
take all that you’ve been given
and leave your mark upon this earth

Trust your heart to show you
Everything you’ll ever need
and if I were you
I’d fall in love with me.

If I were you
I’d fall In Love
With Me.

I love you Flippy.

Ok, I did it :D

I brought my pictures to Catamount Arts yesterday. I even told him which end was UP for the reflections picture LOL He asked me what I’d want if someone wanted to buy my pictures. I was floored LOL I said I haven’t got the slightest idea, so he marked that they’d have to contact me. They, of course, take 30%.

So, for my actual real-life friends who live around these parts, there’s even a RECEPTION for the opening of the exhibit on Friday, July 8th from 4-7pm. I’m hoping to be there, though I have no idea who else may be.

Oh, and maybe tonight, I’ll tell you all how I came out to my mother last week LOL

111892371423572549

I forgot to tell you what I did for hubby’s birthday last week!

Since he leaves so early and doesn’t eat the entire day, I decided to have lunch delivered to him at work. I called a pizza place to find out if they delivered. I ordered 2 lg. pizzas and 2 2-liter bottles of coke and had them deliver it to him that day.

Does it seem expensive to you that when I checked my bank thingie, it had come to $33?????

I think she must have included or tip or something.

In any event, he was surprised That night, we gave him his favorite thing in the whole world - chocolate. Lots of it. and a really cute pair of boxers with spongebob on them that says “Chicks dig the sponge” LOL I LOVE boxers on him, and like the quivers I feel beneath my fingers as I undo that one little button…