life in the slow/fast/slow/fast/slow lane

Whether you’ve noticed or not, I haven’t blogged much.  At least not here. I’ve blogged like a mad woman over at the fam blog.  But I censor myself there, and I don’t have to here.

My relationship with hubby seems to be falling to shit once again.  I’m depressed. I have health issues that I either can’t fix, or can’t afford to fix. I’m angry at the stupid weather.  I’m angry that my 4yr old can piss me off so quickly, and elicit a reaction that she’s obviously yearning for, and I give it to her. 

I was told 2 months ago that I’m depressed, that I can take something to help me get through it - that it probably wouldn’t take long.  But hubby flipped his fucking LID over the idea, and because everything I fucking DO is for him, mostly, I didn’t take them.  He flipped bcause he’s known “people” on antidepressants before, and they were zoned out, made rash decisions, blah blah fucking blah.  Oh, and of course, what’s the effects on our son, whom I’m exclusively breastfeeding?

Oh, I don’t know - maybe the effects of me ALWAYS BEING MISERABLE AND ALWAYS YELLING AT HIS SIBLINGS - that might do something, too.

And I talk to him about it - yes, I most certianly do. Trying to keep those lines of communication open - that’s Me. Ms. Graham fuckin Bell.  And the results?

“Well, I’m depressed too.  We live in a depressed part of the country. I have a dead-end job. We have nothing to look forward to.”

Gee

I’m all warm & fuzzy now.

He can be so close-minded about things, there’s no way in hell I could get him into counseling.  So I say well, research this - figure out where to move where it’s not so damned shitty.

I give him all the fucking power.

I hate that I do this because it looks like FLIPPY is coming back and you know what? I was really starting to dislike him… severely.

It happens when he starts to dislike his job.  Which is, frequently, frequent.  The people are stupid, the boss is stupid, blahblahblah.  He’s doing a job he dislikes to begin with.  Well, guess WHAT?  Shit happens.

sigh

I apparently have a severely infected tooth or teeth that need to come out like YESTERDAY, according to the dentist. The infection could cause nerve damage, they tell me.  The news story tells me it could go to my brain & kill me.  I’m now on antibiotics, but I’m hedging on having them pulled because of the money.  The insurance company has a ONE YEAR waiting period on surgical extractions -which these are because they’re broken off at the gumline - because, you know… I like pain.

yah

And hubby’s idea of us alternating, one week he gets to decide what we’re going to do (in bed), and the next week is my choice… has really turned into a bad idea.  This weekend was my turn, and I felt OBLIGATED to have sex with him - sex during which he only touched me very briefly except for his dick.  Sex that I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  Sex that was so completely unsatisfying … there’s not even a word for.  I felt OBLIGATED.  What the fuck is up with that? 

I just don’t like him right now.

I don’t like me either, just to be fair.

It pisses me off to think I’ll have to wean my son so I can go get a fucking (stupid ass, low-paying retail or tourism) job so he can stay home and play with his dick music all day long.

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just blahhhhh

I know I have been ignoring my blogging duties here.  I’ve been blogging like a madwoman over at my other blog, but have really had nothing even remotely adult to share with you here.

I’m back to my blahhhhhs.

The sex has dried up due to really annoying illnesses, first on his part and now on mine.

I went to the dentist on Monday for the first time in 5 years [thanks to newly purchased dental insurance].  While his assessment didn’t surprise me, the bill [fucking OUCH] did. And then of course, that night, my teeth, which weren’t hurting BEFORE I went to the dentist, sure as hell did after.  Then the allergies kicked in, filling my sinuses and making every movement of my head hurt, making my teeth throb.   I’ve been a mess ever since.

Fuck, ya know?

The fucking idiot that did the HR duties at my hubbies work, because she wasn’t doing her job CORRECTLY back in February, put us onto the medical/dental benefits that we signed up for RETROACTIVELY, which EFFECTIVELY knocked me off of medicaid.  We didn’t know anything about this, though, until last Friday when I called my OB’s office to see why I’d gotten a freakin BILL for his services (although he only assisted).  Turns out that there’s a watchdog group out there that watches to make sure there’s no dual insurance shit going on.  They found ours, popped my ass off of medicaid and handed all the bills to the paid medical insurance company [that I won't name for fear of defammation lawsuits].  So now I’m getting CO-PAYS on everything, and of course, you also have to pay the FIRST co-pay of $500 per person per calendar year, and then after that, they’ll cover you on some stuff UP TO 80%.  Yippee fucking doo-dah.  So for some $320 a MONTH, they’ll do that nifty stuff for ya.

Thanks. a. whole. fucking. lot.

[I wonder how many google hits I get just for using the word FUCKING so much]

Then, of course, the “estimate” for my teeth. Ha. fucking. HA.  I went and looked it up in the “manual” to see just how much of this FUCKING bill will cost us.

Four extractions (because my amalgam fillings shrunk, allowing bacteria into the tooth base, causing further deterioration, causing the filling to fall out, the tooth to break and leave large, unsightly tooth bases in my mouth, making me look Oh So Pretty)… 3 of those are like that - those are $200-$245 each (we have to pay 20%).  Plus the nitrous that I’ve requested, not covered all, an extra $200.  That’s roughly $480.  Yes, that’s not bad when you consider it totals $1600!!!   Then, consider he wants to put in cadaver bone to fill in the space where those 3 teeth are coming out of, to preserve the ridge so I can be fitted for partials (which I have to wait 12 months for), that’s an addition $1150 - none of which is covered by insurance.

Then let’s talk about the  perio work I need, admittedly.  Doesn’t this sound exciting - scaling & root planning. WOohoo.  another $1290 and ya know, bi-weekly visits for 10 fucking weeks, accompanied by repeated anesthesia shots (which I’d rather have a fucking spinal than have these) and ya know… keeping in mind that I have TMJ and can’t keep my fucking MOUTH OPEN THAT LONG.  Sigh.

SO, to say that I’m not in a good mood is an understatement.  That shit that went down with my family is still unresolved.  I’m not getting any.  My house is a mess, the fuckers are making us get our own electrical account (which had been included in our rent since we moved in) at a cost of whoever knows how much per month PLUS the $130 we have to give the electric company as a deposit.  Oh, but they’re taking $45 a month off our rent.

Big. Fucking. Deal!!!!!

My husband is making more than he ever has in his life, and yet here we are, struggling still.  The only way to get out of this is for me to get a friggin job, I swear, and then what do I do with MY THREE CHILDREN.

I went to my Dr. yesterday to follow up on the fact that the b12 wasn’t working, the numbness/loss of sensation is still there, and oh yeah, I’m still depressed.

Can’t Imagine Why.

She wants me to get out of the house and interact with other adults, even once a week. Sure.  No problem - as long as I can be back in ya know, 90 minutes to feed the youngest.

Fuck. Ya know?

I moved my other blog, and I’m pissed off with the template and can’t figure out how to change it so that every freakin line isn’t 1.5 spaced. It doesn’t recognize line returns/paragraphs <p> so it’s hard to read, and just fucking. grrrr.

I know, I’m ranting. Seriously, get the fuck over it if it’s bothering you.

Plus, I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this, but have you noticed that when you’re not having sex, it’s really hard to get the motivation to WANT to have sex again? Like, it’s just too much effort?

What the hell.

no words…

15 days

• Just 15 days to go until my newest heir to the throne is brought, screaming, into this world. Hard to believe, eh?

• You Were Nice This Year

  You Were 25% Naughty, 75% Nice Okay, so you weren’t *entirely* nice this year But Santa doesn’t expect a modern girl to be perfect You were good enough - and you’ll be rewarded for it

  How Naughty (Or Nice) Were You This Year?

• Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

  Anna Nicole Smith

  Who’s Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

I’m still hoping to hear from someone about a backup blogging site that allows you to import. C’mon people.

• I hope that Melinda got her heat back this weekend.

• Prince was awesome in the superbowl halftime show. He’s still hot after all these years. I actually stood in line at 5am to get tickets for his show 23 years ago.. and they sold out before I got any.

• I taught a one-on-one eBay class yesterday, despite the fact that it was 10 degrees out, and I’m , ya know, 99 months pregnant. But the lady was very appreciative, so that was nice. She even called to make sure I got home ok.

• My mom & dad are coming up for the baby’s birth

• My friend angel is sending me a paddle that’s even got my name on it. I can’t wait.

• Although it wasn’t a holiday, my mom turned 60 this weekend, and my parents also celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary. I can’t possibly fathom that!

• My 3 yr old has officially joined the ranks of the homeschooled.

• My kids keep coming up with names for the baby.

• While I haven’t been able to be particularly kinky for a while, I still have kinky thoughts, so I consider that to be my reason why I keep my blog named this

• Even though we’re expecting a very nice tax refund, I cannot think of more than 2 things that I want to buy when we get the money One of them is a freezer, the other - a *good* frying pan.

• A really awesome homeschooling site - IknowThat.com

• I quit smoking 16 years ago and according to quitnet.com, I’ve saved $60,000.

• I was really upset by this news story about this woman who was refused medical treatment while being arrested, and she miscarried her baby. Now, while she obviously was probably already losing the baby, having to go through that whole night KNOWING it was happening, would be awfully cruel.

• Some people try to guess my password for my password protected postings. I tell them that’s like trying to hack my blog.

• This other story about this couple who had sextuplets and then refused to allow them to have what could have been life-saving medical treatments that would have saved TWO of the babies - also pisses me off. You want them so bad, you do what you have to, religion or not, to SAVE THEM.

• While I can’t wait for my pregnancy to be finished and the baby to be here, I know I’ll miss being pregnant, at least a little bit.

• I have read every single (fiction) book by Koontz, Patterson, King, & Grafton.

• In hindsite, I wish I hadn’t fought so hard to avoid a c-section with my son, thus putting both our lives in danger.

• After almost 12 years, I can say without a doubt that our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been.

• And the sex ain’t bad either

And in case you’re wondering, I’ve just used every category I have on my blog LOL

sleep is highly overrated

So, I was up at 2am because my beautiful little blonde haired girl wanted to come sleep with me because, as she states “I like you, mommy”. How can one say no to this? I did. I said “hey, let’s go sleep in your room!” and followed her back to her room, snuggled up to her and tried to warm her up because her brother had left the window cracked open. It was -7 degrees out. I’m thinking… we don’t need THAT MUCH fresh air. And the beautiful little blonde haired girl does not wear pj’s - nightgowns - or anythign resembling clothing to bed. She absolutely, resolutely refuses. I’m lucky to get a diaper on her (it’s the ONLY ONE she wears all day, so don’t go there), and she’s always been like that. She likes it cool. I keep the thermostat at 65 at night, and we all seem to sleep better. Except when certain 10 yr olds go to bed WITH THE WINDOW OPEN. So anyways, after she drifted back to sleep, I went back to my bed, where I lay there for an hour, decidedly not sleeping. I finally got up, grabbed my laptop and came downstairs. I grabbed the other half of the sandwich I’d made at 10pm, some doritos … because what is turkey without doritos, and parked my ass on the couch for the next 2-1/2 hours surfing blogs, adding a few little things here and there to mine. Decidedly not sleeping.

Finally at 5:30, I made my way back upstairs, and finally went back to sleep. Until 7:30, when I got up to pee and realized my hubby wasn’ t going to make his thermos of something hot to drink because it’s so fucking cold in his office. So I did that. While doing that, realized how HUNGRY I was.. made a bagel and some cocoa. Hubby left, and I parked my ass on the couch, yet again, and here I am. Twiddling my friggin thumbs.

I do like to check my stats on my blogs, and found that you all are finding me through some truly bizarre ways. LOL

kinky adventures	2
angelbrat	2
whipping slavegirl crop cane	1
being domme	1
positions for sex in 9th month pregnancy	1
kinky

I wonder how many folks get to my blog by using one of these search terms and find themselves completely disappointed. I’m guessing quite a few judging by the absolute lack of commenting going on. Ah well Can’t please everyone, I suppose.

I had a rough day yesterday. It was like I was inexplicably infused with an extra dose of pregnancy hormones yesterday morning. And this wasn’t a good thing. I woke up feeling all sorts of aches & pains in my general baby area, which made me nervous and anxious and other -ous words. My children were rather rambunctious, my mother was on the phone *miserable*, and I didn’t know what to DO with myself. I finally decided to park my ass, and did so, only to find myself crying at a news story about a local(ish) woman who finally died after being in critical condition for 2 weeks following a head-on collision with a DOLT in which her unborn child had been killed that day. This 27 yr old woman was on her way to work, and that was it. Lights out. She leaves behind 2 little boys and a husband, and this just hurt me So much. They’ve set up a fund for them, and I’m going to donate just to assuage my own feelings of sorrow. The DOLT in question had been having back pain (welcome to my world, bitch) and was trying to adjust her seat, while driving - and crossed the center lane and hit this woman’s car head on.

Anyways, the later, when my mother called back to check in and let me know how she made out at her dr., I found myself crying AGAIN, mainly because I HATE TO CRY and didn’t know WHY I was crying. Overall, it should have been a good day, dammit. Hubby got hired permanently at a job he’d been temping at for the last 6 months last week, and yesterday was payday. Ya know, just that in itself should make it a good day (with a $2.50/hr raise, hell yeah!) But Noooooo, I cry. Oh, and did I mention the blog posting I made on my Baby Blog yesterday at 3am, about how long distance relationships SUCK - that had me blah all day too. GAWD, do I hate these hormones!!! Hell, they’re not even getting me laid! The last we had any kind of quiet time (my euphamism for sex) was last week, which ended in the every 2 minute contractions. I think he’s scared now. LOL

Speaking of sex, though - I’m having our babysitter come sit for us next week and hubby & I are gonna go check into a hotel for our final … well, ok, not final, but last for several weeks/possibly months, little tryst. I had been planning this for months, but Ithink I’d forgotten to mention it to him, because last night when I did, he was like “uhhh… but can she (the babysitter) stay late?” We don’t plan on staying overnight- but just having those nice, ALL TO OURSELVES hours will be nice, I think… and I’ve made it plain & clear to him that I EXPECT GOOD SEX, dammit. No pressure, huh?

ok, so this post has made no sense, but hey, it’s an update anyways

How the hell does this make sense???

This horrible excuse for a human being struck her child in the head - WITH A HAMMER. Then let him die a slow death over the next week. She doesn’t deserve to be called a human, much less a MOTHER.

The husband, “not wanting to get into a confrontation with her”, let this happen - did not seek medical help.

She was tried and convicted of abuse & felony murder and was sentenced on Friday to life without parole.

Why does this woman get to live? Tell me this??????

The husband hasn’t been sentenced yet, but he faces life WITH the possibility of parole.

They adopted this kid after his own parents had abused him. How is this allowed to friggin happen???

And there’s a flap in this country about MADONNA adopting a kid? GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!

Geez, this makes me mad. The people of this country need to get a grip on their priorities, that’s for sure.