another “I want” posting

Yes, I know… I want I want I want.

But when you’re a mom, you’re surrounded by other people’s wants all day long. “Mom, I want something to drink” .. “Mom, I want to play a game”.. Mom mom mom.

But as you readers might be able to attest to, I’m more than a mom. While being a mom is my #1 priority, I do need more. I need adult interactions, which is why I host a munch. It’s so I can get out at least once a month and talk to other adults. I even attend a party here and there that doesn’t require cupcakes.

So when I say “I want”, it’s because something is missing and I need to fulfill it or else, it will just sit there in the back of my mind, growing. Whether it’s “I want a whopper with fries” or “I want My Man Right Now”, if I don’t get it, I’m likely to get cranky.

So, after last week’s trip to the motel that rather fizzled for me anyways, I told hubby why I’d wanted it in the first place. I wanted one last night, not just of sex, but intimacy – that will last me through the next 4-6 weeks of abstinence. Something to recall and it’ll bring a smile to my face. And while our night in the motel was nice, having contractions whilst someone is giving you all sorts of southern oral attention, and all you can think about isn’t how good it feels, but rather what if your water breaks AT THE VERY MOMENT, it isn’t exactly conducive to a memorable evening of hot, sexy monkey love. (oh god, I can just see the search terms now)

So to reiterate, I WANT one of those nights – sans the contractions, door knocks and 4 trips to the bathroom to pee.

Yeah, I know – I’m REALLY asking for alot now lol

ok, so how about I change my tactics.

I can’t WAIT for…

My body to be my own. So when he runs his fingers over my skin, down over my breasts and to my stomach, I don’t IMMEDIATELY think “did he feel the baby move just then?” When his fingers continue to trail down between my legs, exploring and exciting, I don’t imagine a big gush of amniotic fluid greeting him. Hell, I can’t wait to be able to bend over, for all SORTS of reasons, but I really do miss being able to trail my tongue from his neck to the back of his knees and feel him tremble, listen to his moans and know it’s because of ME.

Something weird this way comes…

Hmmm… weird, painful contractions with *no* symmetry SUCK.

So does unexplained high(er) blood pressure readings.

And people who NEVER COMMENT :p

and doesn’t that suck about Anna Nicole? Trim Spa is screwed, that’s for sure.

15 days

• Just 15 days to go until my newest heir to the throne is brought, screaming, into this world. Hard to believe, eh?

• You Were Nice This Year

  You Were 25% Naughty, 75% Nice Okay, so you weren’t *entirely* nice this year But Santa doesn’t expect a modern girl to be perfect You were good enough – and you’ll be rewarded for it

  How Naughty (Or Nice) Were You This Year?

• Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

  Anna Nicole Smith

  Who’s Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

I’m still hoping to hear from someone about a backup blogging site that allows you to import. C’mon people.

• I hope that Melinda got her heat back this weekend.

• Prince was awesome in the superbowl halftime show. He’s still hot after all these years. I actually stood in line at 5am to get tickets for his show 23 years ago.. and they sold out before I got any.

• I taught a one-on-one eBay class yesterday, despite the fact that it was 10 degrees out, and I’m , ya know, 99 months pregnant. But the lady was very appreciative, so that was nice. She even called to make sure I got home ok.

• My mom & dad are coming up for the baby’s birth

• My friend angel is sending me a paddle that’s even got my name on it. I can’t wait.

• Although it wasn’t a holiday, my mom turned 60 this weekend, and my parents also celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary. I can’t possibly fathom that!

• My 3 yr old has officially joined the ranks of the homeschooled.

• My kids keep coming up with names for the baby.

• While I haven’t been able to be particularly kinky for a while, I still have kinky thoughts, so I consider that to be my reason why I keep my blog named this

• Even though we’re expecting a very nice tax refund, I cannot think of more than 2 things that I want to buy when we get the money One of them is a freezer, the other – a *good* frying pan.

• A really awesome homeschooling site – IknowThat.com

• I quit smoking 16 years ago and according to quitnet.com, I’ve saved $60,000.

• I was really upset by this news story about this woman who was refused medical treatment while being arrested, and she miscarried her baby. Now, while she obviously was probably already losing the baby, having to go through that whole night KNOWING it was happening, would be awfully cruel.

• Some people try to guess my password for my password protected postings. I tell them that’s like trying to hack my blog.

• This other story about this couple who had sextuplets and then refused to allow them to have what could have been life-saving medical treatments that would have saved TWO of the babies – also pisses me off. You want them so bad, you do what you have to, religion or not, to SAVE THEM.

• While I can’t wait for my pregnancy to be finished and the baby to be here, I know I’ll miss being pregnant, at least a little bit.

• I have read every single (fiction) book by Koontz, Patterson, King, & Grafton.

• In hindsite, I wish I hadn’t fought so hard to avoid a c-section with my son, thus putting both our lives in danger.

• After almost 12 years, I can say without a doubt that our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been.

• And the sex ain’t bad either

And in case you’re wondering, I’ve just used every category I have on my blog LOL

sleep is highly overrated

So, I was up at 2am because my beautiful little blonde haired girl wanted to come sleep with me because, as she states “I like you, mommy”. How can one say no to this? I did. I said “hey, let’s go sleep in your room!” and followed her back to her room, snuggled up to her and tried to warm her up because her brother had left the window cracked open. It was -7 degrees out. I’m thinking… we don’t need THAT MUCH fresh air. And the beautiful little blonde haired girl does not wear pj’s – nightgowns – or anythign resembling clothing to bed. She absolutely, resolutely refuses. I’m lucky to get a diaper on her (it’s the ONLY ONE she wears all day, so don’t go there), and she’s always been like that. She likes it cool. I keep the thermostat at 65 at night, and we all seem to sleep better. Except when certain 10 yr olds go to bed WITH THE WINDOW OPEN. So anyways, after she drifted back to sleep, I went back to my bed, where I lay there for an hour, decidedly not sleeping. I finally got up, grabbed my laptop and came downstairs. I grabbed the other half of the sandwich I’d made at 10pm, some doritos … because what is turkey without doritos, and parked my ass on the couch for the next 2-1/2 hours surfing blogs, adding a few little things here and there to mine. Decidedly not sleeping.

Finally at 5:30, I made my way back upstairs, and finally went back to sleep. Until 7:30, when I got up to pee and realized my hubby wasn’ t going to make his thermos of something hot to drink because it’s so fucking cold in his office. So I did that. While doing that, realized how HUNGRY I was.. made a bagel and some cocoa. Hubby left, and I parked my ass on the couch, yet again, and here I am. Twiddling my friggin thumbs.

I do like to check my stats on my blogs, and found that you all are finding me through some truly bizarre ways. LOL

kinky adventures	2
angelbrat	2
whipping slavegirl crop cane	1
being domme	1
positions for sex in 9th month pregnancy	1
kinky

I wonder how many folks get to my blog by using one of these search terms and find themselves completely disappointed. I’m guessing quite a few judging by the absolute lack of commenting going on. Ah well Can’t please everyone, I suppose.

I had a rough day yesterday. It was like I was inexplicably infused with an extra dose of pregnancy hormones yesterday morning. And this wasn’t a good thing. I woke up feeling all sorts of aches & pains in my general baby area, which made me nervous and anxious and other -ous words. My children were rather rambunctious, my mother was on the phone *miserable*, and I didn’t know what to DO with myself. I finally decided to park my ass, and did so, only to find myself crying at a news story about a local(ish) woman who finally died after being in critical condition for 2 weeks following a head-on collision with a DOLT in which her unborn child had been killed that day. This 27 yr old woman was on her way to work, and that was it. Lights out. She leaves behind 2 little boys and a husband, and this just hurt me So much. They’ve set up a fund for them, and I’m going to donate just to assuage my own feelings of sorrow. The DOLT in question had been having back pain (welcome to my world, bitch) and was trying to adjust her seat, while driving – and crossed the center lane and hit this woman’s car head on.

Anyways, the later, when my mother called back to check in and let me know how she made out at her dr., I found myself crying AGAIN, mainly because I HATE TO CRY and didn’t know WHY I was crying. Overall, it should have been a good day, dammit. Hubby got hired permanently at a job he’d been temping at for the last 6 months last week, and yesterday was payday. Ya know, just that in itself should make it a good day (with a $2.50/hr raise, hell yeah!) But Noooooo, I cry. Oh, and did I mention the blog posting I made on my Baby Blog yesterday at 3am, about how long distance relationships SUCK – that had me blah all day too. GAWD, do I hate these hormones!!! Hell, they’re not even getting me laid! The last we had any kind of quiet time (my euphamism for sex) was last week, which ended in the every 2 minute contractions. I think he’s scared now. LOL

Speaking of sex, though – I’m having our babysitter come sit for us next week and hubby & I are gonna go check into a hotel for our final … well, ok, not final, but last for several weeks/possibly months, little tryst. I had been planning this for months, but Ithink I’d forgotten to mention it to him, because last night when I did, he was like “uhhh… but can she (the babysitter) stay late?” We don’t plan on staying overnight- but just having those nice, ALL TO OURSELVES hours will be nice, I think… and I’ve made it plain & clear to him that I EXPECT GOOD SEX, dammit. No pressure, huh?

ok, so this post has made no sense, but hey, it’s an update anyways

Protected: She says I’m a freakin’ hormone freak…

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Hi :)

I know, I know – I’ve been absent. I notice that my blog stats drop whenever I drop out, but sometimes, there’s just not a lot to say that isn’t a rant about the latest fucked up example of humanity. There’s so many to choose from.

But Ok, I will catch you up on me.

I’m still not on needles for the gest. diabetes, so this is good. I hit the 6 month mark last week, and am gratefully on the downward slide towards February and meeting the newest soccer player to grace my uterus.

I’m not having much sex, at least satisfying sex. That sucks in lots of ways, trust me on this. Our 3 yr old daughter has decided that sleeping in mommy & daddy’s bed is INFINITELY better than sleeping where she’s been designated TO SLEEP. So about 3-4 nights a week, she finds her way in around 2-3am. This is generally followed by me stumbling downstairs, hungry and looking for food because when I had to get up to pee for the nth time, it woke the baby up and his/her movings around woke up my stomach, which, in turn, said ‘FEEED MEEEEEE’. Yes, I know I know…. “it’s just getting you ready for after the baby gets there”. to that, I respond..

BITE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there I sit on the couch, playing this damned game Runescape that I’m addicted to now and eating some damned thing that’s most likely unhealthy for me (fritos & Cabot veggie dip) but tastes good at 3:30am.

So by the time that hubby stumbles down the stairs at 6:45 to get ready for work, sex is out of the question.

What’s that you say? Why don’t you do it at night??? WELL, because that same 3 yr old has ALSO decided that it’s MUCH BETTERERER to fall asleep WITH MOMMY.

Sigh.

And by the time hubby comes to bed, I’m already asleep.

So that leaves the weekend. This past weekend, to be specific. Because of the growing belly AND hernia, the only plausible position for sex is me on my back, legs thrown over hubby’s hips while he lays on his side. This works, well… OK. I typically have to use another ummm… source and even that’s not working recently. So anyways, there we were… hubby gets to that point of no return, reaches up and grabs hold of the mattress for that extra thrusting edge and …………………………………………………………………..

RIPS SOMETHING LOOSE in his shoulder.

So at the moment he climaxes, he also goes into this sort of major body cramp… was a bit unsettling, because at this point, I had no idea he’d hurt himself. I just thought he had REALLY enjoyed himself.

He was useless for the rest of the weekend LOL He could barely move – couldn’t turn his head, nothing. Was sad. and kinda funny LOL

Ummm… in other news, not much. The classes I teach haven’t been going all that well … which means that the place I teach at hasn’t been doing their homework to find out what people want.

I’ve been enthralled with the brutal and painful honesty that is Melinda’s first couple of months of mommyhood. It’s so hard to watch someone go through it the hard way – and not be able to really convince her that it WILL get better. I remember thinking, with both of my kids, that they hated me. They were these little, tiny humans who had, for reasons unknown to me, decided to hate me and punish me. I was a complete failure as a mother – not once, but TWICE. My son would hate me for having a 2nd child. He would resent me. And his father. These were the feelings I had those first few weeks and I know (now) that I’m not the only one who feels that way. We just don’t talk about it.

She is. and I’m so glad!

I wish I had a blog back in 2003 when I had my daughter and went through the struggles I did with her. You can bet that this time around, I will talk about it. If you read it, fine. If you don’t, that’s fine too

In the meantime, I will continue to offer my unjudging support to my net.friend, Melinda, and hope that I can get through the next 15 weeks without losing what’s left of MY mind

transitions

I guess that’s what you’d call my current state… transitional. We’ve gotten past the whole “OMG we’re having another baby!” to “ok, what do we need to do next?” and of course, the whole “oh shit, another delivery” is soon to come.

I’ve been reading with lots of sympathy, my friend melinda’s trials and tribulations as she transitions into motherhood. She’s learning, the hard way, of course, that motherhood isn’t all Carnation commercials. It’s hard, it’s thankless, full of guilt and it’s tiring. Incredibly tiring. Draining emotionally. Yes, the rewards are incredible. But it’s SO HARD to see those rewards at 3am when everyone else in the known world is sleeping except for you and this new little being.

ok maybe it hasn’t left the building

The difficult part of being newly pregnant is that you just don’t know WHAT to expect when you’re expecting. Every pregnancy is different, and presents it’s own sets of challenges. With my son, I had gestational diabetes, and what wound up being a very grueling, 22 hr labor that ended in an emergency c-section. With my daughter, I worked on my feet for nearly 9 months, which killed my back. I also had awful nausea with her pretty much constantly. I do remember, though, that I was horny as hell with both pregnancies. It wasn’t always constant, but particularly with the kink side of things, I wanted wanted wanted. We just weren’t always sure what we could do and not do, for fear of releasing too much adrenaline, etc. So we always stayed on the side of caution. No different this time.

Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while knows that things in “happy land” haven’t been so happy – there’s something physically going on with me that, I’ve learned, can be corrected with surgery. Of course, being PREGNANT, I can’t exactly have that done at this particular time. But as a result, I’m NOT in the mood. I know it’s gonna hurt, so whybother? (and not in a good way)…. and that’s unfortunately been the way it’s been for way too long (most of the year, anyways). Hubby’s always been fantastic, never pushy, pouty, etc. It’s been ME – I need that physical connection. So I will initiate relations even though my body doesn’t want it – because I need to be close to him, and this is usually the only way to accomplish that.

This works in that yes, he’s up for the task, but for the most part, I’m not. Which just makes ME feel worse, not better. UGH

But for whatever reason, maybe it’s knowing that this problem can and WILL be corrected after the birth of this child, but I’m more willing and receptive now – to the point of… *gasp* ENJOYMENT! YAY for pregnancy hormones! I don’t know if that’s to blame (or thank), but hey, I’m going with it. LOL

anything said is worth repeating

Yeah, I know – that made no sense. I spent the morning catching up with Melinda over at Anything Said. She’s also pregnant, though she’s months ahead of me. You have to go read her. You have to. She’s witty, sarcastic, snarky and damned funny. She shares her fears, her damnedable preggo dreams (they do suck, don’t they?) and much more. I really enjoy reading her rambles, and just think you need to too.

With that being said – when I was pregnant with my first, I had a preggo dream – the first of many, where I dreamed that my youngest brother was going to kill himself. This dream was so real – it was horrible. I called him, my sister, my mother – all to make sure he was ok – wasn’t THAT depressed, etc. At that time, he was still working on the whole “coming out” thing, and I was scared that it was too much for him to handle.

When I was pregnant with my 2nd, I had alot of those same scary-type dreams, though none that I can remember as vividly. With her, I mostly just ate the newly released spicy doritos (until the gest. diabetes thing came along) and was essentially miserable with all the damnedable THINGS that come with pregnancy – like uncomfortable positions for EVERYTHING, the fact that I had to work full time in a stand-up job around gag-me food (popcorn and polish sausages are the work of the DEVIL).

Now, when you consider that it took me nearly 7 years to have another successful pregnancy, yes, I agree, I should have been aglow with pride and happiness – but that’s just NOT always possible. I was thrilled to be carrying a baby – and I KNEW how lucky I was, considering 2 others had ended before they really began. But it is really hard to look past the right here now now. Right now, I want to stuff my face, but I want to throw up. Right now, I NEED hotwings and milk. Right NOW, I need a man who gives a shit that I’m even pregnant. I was far from home with NO friends or family around. Like melinda, I was hoping my mom would come and save me from those first few days after the baby, clueless about what we’d do without all that STUFF That people buy for you, and just in general, homesick.

But we managed to pull 2 healthy kids out of the air, and ultimately, of course, that’s what matters. My son, as I’ve described before, was a dicey situation that I will, for the next 99 years, feel guilty for having been the one who could have killed him with my stubbornness. But, for better or worse, he’s a great kid with no lasting effects from mommy’s stubbornness (other than his OWN stubbornness) who, with my help, just passed into the 4th grade of homeschooling yesterday.

My daughter, who was a lot less urgent in her request for freedom from mommy, whom invades my early morning, KIDLESS, quiet time frequently enough that I should consider renaming it, is at this moment, playing on her OWN computer – talkign to it, even. She’s a morning person, like I am, so we find ourselves spending these quiet hours, either watching tv or having an early breakfast, and I can’t seem to remember what life was like before her.

So, go read Melinda – she’s much cooler than I am, and heh.. pregnant

the kink has left the building

So you might have noticed that there’s been a real shortage of anything even remotely adult looking on this blog as of late. I can assure you that things aren’t quite that boring in real life, but I’ve found that I worry more about people reading it that know me… I dunno… in any case, I DO have big news for you. CLICK ME

and yes, that’s really me.